The ‘Catch 22’ of OD

I hope that everyone gets the Catch 22 reference.  It’s a book by Joseph Heller, published in the early 1960s, that’s full of satire, backwards thinking, half-truths that aren’t really lies, etc.  Check the Wikipedia page if you want more.

Anyway, ‘Catch 22’ is similar to the "which came first, the chicken or the egg" question…  at least in my mind.  It means that you can’t do A because you need to do B first, and you can’t do B because you haven’t done A yet.  In short, it’s a no-win situation.

OD is like that for me.  I started this version of "my OD" because the other one is read by my wife.  Yes, I have another diary here…  and I have had a diary (in one form or another) on here since Y2K.  This ‘SighingSolo’ one is where I can write all the deep, dark fodder that floats around in my head without worrying TOO much about who will read it and if my wife will hate what I’ve written and yell at me.

OD is my Catch 22.  According to my wife, I shouldn’t be writing things about my marriage & personal life without telling her about them first.  Then, once I tell her, I shouldn’t be writing them on OD for complete strangers to read & comment on.  She should know everything about how I’m feeling, what I hate about her, when she pisses me off, etc. etc.  Yeah, right…  like I’m gonna tell her EVERY time that happens.

The thing is, I ‘use’ OD as a personal therapist sometimes…  to air my grievances about life in the hopes of getting feedback from other people.  I don’t expect these ‘other people’ to agree with me either.  I just need SOME feedback sometimes, to know that maybe I am wrong and need to change…  or maybe I’m right and need to keep doing what I’m doing.

Now, who wants to label my actions as Passive-Aggressive?  Anyone?  Good…  at least 1 person does, I’m sure.  Yes, it’s Passive-Aggressive of me to write things on my other OD diary sometimes, because I know that my wife will read it.  I write how wonderful I am because I do all the kids’ laundry, clean up the house, cook a dinner or two every week, take care of the food shopping, take care of the finances, take care of the house, take care of the cars, and take care of myself.  My wife twists that in her head and hears, instead, that it’s horrible that she does NONE of those things on a regular basis.  I did not write anything like that or bash my wife in any way.  I just didn’t mention her at all.  Is that wrong?

Worse yet, my readers sometimes leave public notes that say things like, "why doesn’t your wife get off her ass and do things" or "does your wife always need 10 hours of sleep on the weekends" or "maybe you should let the house get really messy and disgusting and see if your wife notices."  Then, my wife reads the notes, goes to that person’s diary, and leaves nasty/rude notes defending herself.

By nature, OD is one-sided.  The world of OD readers only gets one side: the diarist’s.  The words, the phrases, the perspective on situations…  it’s all the diarist’s.  How is this different than any other situation in life?  I live my life according to my own rules, and I give people my opinion when I want to.  Yes, so I give people MY side of the story.

There was a CD by the former rock group Extreme called "Three Sides To Every Story."  The subtitle was "Yours, Mine, and the Truth."  I firmly believe that there ARE 3 sides.  Both people have a perspective + then there’s what really happened.  Every situation, every circumstance has to be lived by a person and then analyzed & interpreted by that person.  Given that person’s "life experience" from baby to current age, of course things will be different for each person.  None of us has the same "life experience" as anyone else.  It’s as unique as a fingerprint.  So, of course there will be room for disagreement.

So, do I find a psychiatrist/psychologist/counselor to talk to instead?  I did that once.  It didn’t really help me.  I think it didn’t help me because I was in the middle of my long-distance affair with a 20-something.  I was lying to my wife and not telling the therapist everything.  Stupid stupid me…  how did I expect that that would ever work??  Anyway, now I’m clean.  I’m not having an affair of any type with anyone, nor do I have plans for one.  I think therapy might "work" for me now.  At least it would help me figure out why I have such resentment for my wife.

I think I need to find someone to talk to.  OD isn’t an option anymore, especially since I never fully trust that my words won’t be used against me in the future.  I have no friends to talk to in person…  they’re all far away or in IM-land.  My parents and sister would be biased towards MY side of things.  Yes, I think I’ll start looking for someone else.

I wonder of Gabriel Byrne is available.  LOL