Starved

I have an hour each morning to clear my head of all the fodder that builds up inside.  I don’t really dream at night (probably because I never get into a deep enough sleep), so I have to clear my head manually on my morning walk.  Sometimes, I talk to myself out loud, and sometimes it’s a running conversation in my head.

After this morning’s walk, I have come to the conclusion that I’m starved for female attention.

I used to have women at work to interact with.  I would go to lunch a few times a month with these women and just talk & eat…  or eat & talk.  These women have since moved on, leaving the company to move away from NY.  The new ones who get hired aren’t interesting to me.  They’re either too young or too old.

I used to have the woman that I had the long-distance affair with.  She’d leave me emails overnight so I would have something to read in the morning.  She’d leave me voicemails during the day so I’d have something to listen to whenever I wanted.  It was nice while it lasted.

Today, I have no women to hang out with besides the 3 that inhabit the house with me.  I love being silly with my girls, but that’s not adult interaction.  My wife seems to be walking on eggshells around me, afraid to make me angry or piss me off in some way.  Either that or she’s just oblivious and aloof.  She enjoys her crochet projects and her new computer, where she downloads movies all evening and weekend.  She sleeps away the weekends, getting up between 11am and 2pm on most Saturdays and all Sundays.  She lets me run around the house, taking care of the laundry or clean-ups or wrangling the kids.  When I do sit down on the couch (at about 9pm), she will continue whatever project she’s doing, pausing long enough only to stop whatever movie that she’s watching on her computer so that we can watch TV.

So yeah, I’m starved for female attention.  Either I need a female whose body I can play with (yes, another affair would be interesting to me) or a female who likes to talk about life, the universe, and everything with me while she smiles, laughs, and just enjoys sharing that stuff with me.  Yeah, the chances of each of those happening are near zero.  I’m not actively looking for the affair, and I don’t seem to "run into" any women who find me interesting enough to want to do the talking thing.  Oh well!

I guess I don’t know what to do anymore.  I’ve tried talking to my wife, but nothing sticks.  Like I said, she’s got her own interests, and she figures that I’m stuck with her no matter what.  I did agree to the "Til Death" and "Good times and bad" things in the wedding vows, so here I am.

The times aren’t really bad in EVERY aspect of life.  It’s just the marriage that sucks.  Oh, wait.  That’s just my opinion.  My wife will swear that everything is OK.  She’ll act hurt when I say to her that I’m not happy.  She’ll refuse to deal with the main issues, choosing to focus on something minor and relatively insignificant that doesn’t impact our everyday life.  How do I know?  Um…  I’ve gone through that several times in the last 10 years.  Been there, done that, could write a movie or two but who would want to watch it??  LOL

I suppose I’m left with lots of questions and no good solutions.  Would things be better elsewhere?  Eh.  Can I wait for my wife to get off her butt and start to deal with things as if she actually has a long-term plan to make things better for US?  Eh.  There are a thousand more, and these are the things that I occupy myself with on my morning walks.

I’m off to work…  where I don’t have to think about this stuff.  Yay!!