Run it off in the ditch

God help me, I’m quoting Dr. Phil for my entry title.  LOL  I watch Dr. Phil’s show for a few reasons.  The main one is, I like to learn things about other people.  I’m a people watcher.  I’m fascinated by how other people live and interact with each other.  His shows give me ideas on how I can be a different, and sometimes better, person.  They also show me that, no matter how "bad" things are in my life (and they’re not that bad), there are other people who have TONS more issues and problems to work on & work out.

Right now, I feel like my marriage was run off into the ditch… and the wheels are spinning, but we’re not moving forward, not getting out of the ditch.  Who ran it off?  Um…  I suppose I did by starting my long-distance affair (6 years ago) with the 20-something woman.  3 years ago, I ended that affair when I realized that "the grass wasn’t greener" on her side, only the sex was.  Since then, I have done a lot to try to make amends for my stupidity.  I give my wife and children everything that I can, everything that they need on a regular basis.  I give up some of my own wants & needs so that they can have what they want & need almost EVERY day.

Still, it doesn’t seem to be enough.  The marriage isn’t out of that proverbial ditch…  and the wheels are spinning (at least on my side), but we ain’t goin’ nowhere.  For that, I take no ownership.  I may have run the marriage off, but I sure as hell have tried for the last 3 years to get it out.  Now, it’s my wife who isn’t helping out.

She is content to sit around and let me do most of the work.  Yes, she helps with the children sometimes…  getting them to finish their homework after school or doing arts & crafts projects with them.  She drives them to school in the morning.  She does other small things when the children ask her to.  Otherwise, it’s all up to me.  I’m the one who decides 80% of what happens during the day with the family.  I get everything ready in the mornings for everyone.  I determine what’s for dinner, and I cook it at least 2 days out of 7.  I get the children to take their baths.  I get the children ready for bed & read stories or rub backs a little bit to get them to sleep.

When it comes to alone time, my wife and I sit around and watch TV.  I go to bed first, around 11, and she comes to bed at whatever time she wants later in the evening (I’m usually asleep by that point).  That’s about the extent of it.  Let me tell you, going to bed at different times is a great way to avoid having sex.  So far this year, I think we’ve had sex 3 times… and that’s just fine by me.  I’m not attracted to her anymore, for a variety of reasons, and I don’t need sex that much anymore.  Maybe I’ll get into that in a future entry.

So, at this point, I’m wondering how many more years will slip by before my wife decides to get off her ass and do something about the status quo.  It’s not a horrible life, but there’s not much going on either.  Sure, we have money to spend, and believe me, she spends it…  shoes, clothes, and makeup regularly arrive at our hose via FedEx and UPS.  We eat out or get take-out food at least 3 times a week.  We take a vacation every year to "get away from the routine."  But…  the marriage just exists…  and she just keeps on complaining about the same physical ills that she has had for the last few years (backaches, migraines, feeling tired all the time, frustrations with the children, etc.).  I want to scream at her, "wake up and DO SOMETHING about it" but I don’t.  That would only make things worse, I think.

I won’t go on with this…  I’ve said enough.