Devil Inside

“Devil inside…  the devil inside…  every single one of us, the devil inside…”  I still chuckle at the band name INXS – such a witty acronym for a band that liked to like every day “in excess.”  I guess that’s how most bands used to live, especially while on the road.  I digress.

I went back and read much of this old diary.  I don’t think that I have to write much of an update because most of it is still in effect.  That’s pretty sad to say after 13 years.  Same old struggles, same old attitudes, same old BS going on, except now I’m in my 50’s and more cynical and bitter.

The devil made me do it.  That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.  No need to reach for explanations now, 20 years after I decided that I needed more than I had.  It’s a moot point.  Can’t change the past.

These days, a lot of the old fire to change my situation is gone.  I think it died after I found out that my wife was having an affair with a guy at work.  After 10 years of no regular sex or affection from me, it was to be expected.  She went and found someone else who would enjoy a blowjob and cum on her tits.  They probably got high on marijuana and fucked a couple of times too, but I can’t prove it, and I didn’t ask, and I don’t really think that that knowledge would matter now, almost 4 years later.  I used to be the only one in this marriage who “had an affair,” the “bad one” who was looking elsewhere for attention and occasional sex and affection.  Then she decided that turnabout was fair play, so she had an affair for a few weeks/months/years (dunno, don’t care).  He was a widower with money that he spent on frivolous things, so I’m sure that it was just fun for him to have fun while it lasted.  If there were emotions involved, I wouldn’t know.  Dunno, don’t care.

I don’t know why I didn’t leave at that point when I found out, except that it would have cost a small fortune, and who wants to waste money on lawyers and unnecessary duplicate living arrangements?  It’s not like there’s anyone else out there who would want me and all my baggage at this point in life.  I’d rather try to get through each day in the current situation and hope that maybe one day she will either wake up, become actively involved in everyday family life, and change things for the better for herself, or…  leave quietly without a drama shitshow.

There’s a third possibility that my Devil Inside thinks about:  maybe she will die in her sleep one night.  I hear about that happening to other married people, and I wonder if the surviving spouse is sad about it or happy about it.  I know that I would be sad, but…  eventually would I be happy?  Would I be happy eventually that I could move on without going through years of arguing, lawyers, therapists, changes in living situations, etc. etc.

Thanks Devil Inside for putting that last thought in my head.