When I think

With a hushed whisper I trusted her and I told her how much I loved you.
I thought she would keep it a secret.
Sow it into a secret satchel and tell not a soul.
But she cast it out for the world to hear and bent my words up.
Into a jumbled mess.
How can a person not cry when such unbelievably cruel things happen?
How can I not hurt?
Yet. Oh how dare I she exclaims.
Fingers pointing. Face red with fury.
How dare I?
How dare you.
I do not believe with any part of my broken soul I can just pick up from this.
I thought of her on a higher ground then even my sis.
And now I am a little less then a stranger in her world.
and you will not even look at me.

How must a girl feel?
How must a girl speak?
She wove beautiful lies..and stole you from me.
Secret conversations. Playing the victim.
Making me hurt, and making me believe.
Oh you dear were just a boy.
But even then I knew better.
I knew before she hurt me,much more then simple thievery.

I told her I felt like I was dying, my being was shattered.
Something was wrong. So very wrong. Parts of me were not right.
I found that rabbit hole and I climbed in.
I was not sure of where it would go.
Oh sweet darkness.
Oh sweet alice.
I am ready for your pain..bring on the malice.
Oh sweet misery. Great bringer of darkness.
Take it all away. I will not fight any longer.

I never told you
I never said.
all the fucked up things in my head.
I never told you.
Promises of glory and life.
I never promised you roses and light.
I never said mister one and only.
That you would never be lonely.
 I never said.
But when I think of your empty promises.
I think of her betrayal.
When I think of your songs in my ear at night.
I think of how much I loved you..and it kills those heart strings.
When I think of your piercing  eyes and the way you looked at me.
It makes it so much harder not to cry.

This was only one more piece.
To this sweet becogning disease.
This dark sinister urge.
To never be disturbed.
To crawl under the house..and board it up with brick.
I have failed to guard my heart..and knew I see.
You are just another voice..to torment me.
( it is a very old poem. Im not even gonna say how old).
But it is quite disturbing.
……………………….
and very different to how I feel now about the same person..I still fight the urge to make that girl suffer though. But the guy..not the same feeling.

adios,Siarai