The ball and Chain

Things are not that easy to categorize. I am tired of being manipulated.

You say I am a manipulator.

A liar.

While you play games with my heart.

Saying hurtful,spiteful things.

Then tell me you love me.

No you Don’t.

You do not know me.

Not if you say these things to me.

Not if you think I am this ugly spiteful person.

Do you even know how hard it is to go through life as me?

Do you? No really, Do you?

I get cast aside or sorted, Or diagnosed,or misdiagnosed,or manipulated.

Or pulled apart,until my insides are on my outsides and I have no idea who I am anymore.

I love you still.

I love you much and I think it would better for me if I didn’t.

Because if I didn’t It wouldn’t hurt so much what you say to me.

I want to be who I  am suposed to be for myself,for my son,for my own sanity.

But it is hard when you do these things.

You say I  need help for *the spirits inside of me*, Do you even know how often I have begged, pleaded,asked God to help me?

Do you? Or do you think I like feeling like I  am crazy.

Mucho Loco.

Thats me.

And trust. I dont like it.I would love it if I could just be unbroken.

I dont know how to get me back, andif I did..I would.

 

But I am making steps.

1. I am gettting a divorce.

2. I am getting my relationship back with God.

3. I am trying my hardest,my very hardest to give all of me to God so he can help me through. Because he is the only one who can.

4. I am giving it my all to be better in all areas of my life. My relationship with my son,Being a better friend and even loving myself more.

And when that is done I believe I will be siarai again whole. 

I feel more and more like her every day..and less..and less like this person I created to wear as a uncomfortable mask to make everyone else more comfortable.

I am hoping in the end, I will be me.

Completely.

And until the divorce is final, I will wear this ball and chain. And my life will be what I am trying to Give to God. 

I hope this is helpful. 

Adios,Siarai