*sometimes I bring you in and I know..you know*
HEY JUPITER (Tori Amos)
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Hello everyone. Just to clarify I am here..and alive for those that have wondered. I wandered inside myself for awhile but I am ok..Or maybe I have just gotten numb so i won’t feel hurt. so I won’t feel scared. So I won’t cry anymore.
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How I feel today:broken,numb
My song of the day: hey jupiter by tori amos
my quote of the day;*and this little massicist is lifting up her dress*
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Yeah. I just feel torn inside. Sometimes it just is hard to deal with reality. Then gets all up in my face and I fall apart. Maybe I have cracked. Or maybe I am perfectly sane because I actually know my reality and others reality is not the SAME REALITY.
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Ok so this is how my last um…how many days have I not written?
my last 3 days have gone..Wow.I really have not been here for awhile..
I wondered how long I was lost in myself this time..sheesh..
So anyway this is how my days went. The 19th:
Sunday right? I think I slept sunday.When I feel numb or lost the days just sort of grow into each other and I cant tell them apart.
Monday? My ex came to pick up Bud and go have father and son time. I ached in my heart to see him. My guts turned into jello. I just wanted him to go and stop being so damned nice. To stop smiling, to stop making my hurt experience that dull ache. To stop it all. Because if he didnt do all those things it would be easier for me to hate him. It would make sense for him to still make me hurt like this..To stop making me feel so crazy for not trusting him. For hurting so damned much. With all of the built up pain I have been neglecting people. Friends and G. Not doing regular activities i did before. But I do have things on my mind. I do have my own problems and right now they are a little hard to handle without having to worry about everything else.
But I get cast the evil bitch role. I dotn want to go shopping…SO other ppl have to do it.
I dont want to be touched, so I get hurt feelings in the process.
No one thinks..maybe Sara has a reason she dont want to do this. Maybe sara hurts inside.Or maybe just maybe sara is not as tough as she looks. But no one thinks that. They just get pissed off because I dont want to be hugged I dont want to be touched..Right now I am just not NOT feeling good. I Just Have ALOT OF SHIT going on in my brain.
Maybe they should try just TRY to walk in my shoes. I mean I do it for other Ppl all the time and sacrifice my feelings alot..getting over my ex, getting over my divorce is something I want to do in my own time. And I want support when I do it. Is that too much to ask?
Instead of ppl asking me fifty fucking questions like so is he paying you child support who is having custody and all that crap. So are you going to let him see bud without paying child support yet? Are you REALLy going to try to be friends with him?
All of these things are stuff that is between me and Him and all of it is stuff we are trying to sort out. It is aBIG DEAL. We are trying to think of bud first. My Pa got enraged because Tj asked to be my friend but again it is my hurt and MY Decision not his. And the Tj too years ago was undiagnosed mental issues and the Tj now IS different. But no one wants to hear what I have to say.It is Ultimately my decision. And I am tired of being treated like I am being a pushover if I am nice to him and an evil bitch if i follow there advice.Shouldnt I be allowed to make my undesisions and them be mine and mIne alone..Or Am I really asking for too much?
All of my family members are all up in my business about these questions and It is just driving me mad. I feel like sticking my head and the sand and just wishing to disapear..
I just can not deal with it anymore.
Maybe I should I lock myself into the bathroon until they leave me the fuck alone..
Who thinks that is a good idea?
I am going friggin mad here.
SIarai