*sighs*

Siarai spends days and days dwelling on her thoughts..

Mood: sad and alone feeling but that is a usual feeling, I get it alot.

Song in her head: Better be good to me by tina turner

Things I would rathe be doing: Spending time with my sister, dancing, Learning to play a musical instrument or going back to school.

I do not know what is wrong with me lately. I have been overanylizing everything.It is like all of a sudden I have to think everything through. Everything.

Anyone have moments when your brain acts completely wonky.

Free as the tree:

I think and speak as you do, wishing that my words will not hurt

Even though your words do I still wish mine won’t

i spend my tme thinking of what a hurt soul is

and I know it isnt me as hurt as much as yours is

I can not no I will not admit my guilt

For I am not wrong, I am myself wholey

and for some reason I can not just wish to be me

To be me in my quiet way to have my own thoughts

In my silent way,

To pray and leave these thoughts to God as mine

And you get vindictive saying when you are down

You would not tell me

I will not tell you

And think that is a good way to get me to open my heart up

It tears at me,

Until the whole gets so big there is nothing left to put thier

until it all falls out

and I have nothing left to say,

My mean vindictive way

As you pull at me

I am left hurting you

and then you tell me. It is your fault, you did not have to d othat,

You did not have to hurt me

I do not see another way, ring around the rosey

Pockets full of poseys

ashes and ashes(as children we play games)

and eventually- we all fall down.

What else is their for me to do when I feel like this? Should I wait it out or just play in oncoming traffic? Should i tell someone and get committed? Or should I just chalk it up to my illness and let it ride through? I don’t know.

My boyfriend just looked over my shoulder and read the i am sad and alone statement and got pissed. let me clarify…this bothers me. My diary should be mine shouldnt it

Should I not have a place to justify and write my thoughts without feeling like I owe it to apoligize for feeling beaten, sad and oppressed and make excuses for how I feel then make him feel bad like thier is anything he can do besides pump me full of drugs or commit me. Neither which I want. I dont know but anyway. I guess it was worth the ramble…Life sucks.

Siarai