really…what?

I can not sleep. When I can not sleep. My mind over thinks. ANd over thinks somemore.

Things i have been thinking about:

1.Why I will not just call Matt my boyfriend?I like him, Like a girl would if a boy would of course be her boyfriend. So why can’t I call him that? What is really holding me back? Lemme go look up the definition for boyfriend and then think on it…then we will see what I have to say on why not.

boyfriend has a lot of similar words that remind me of matt..like:Friend,honey(calls him that),affection,beloved,dear,love,spark,loved one,boy.male.

So how about that? But here is my deal..

No matter how much I love him..I will never call him that or at least not were ppl can hear.(I think he accepts my quirkyness around this word)

I do not like how people ask me why I won’t call him that. I hear girls not even refer to thier *boyfriends* by thier names. They just talk about their mate like: My boyfriend this and my boyfriend that. I never want to do this.It seems like to just give the person you love a label like that, you are pigeon holing them and then they are just your boyfriend. Whatever friendship that was there is no longer accknowledged. His individualism before you..No longer acknoweledged he is therefore then and out referred as only: your boyfriend. Blech.I don’t want to do that to matt. He was someone before me and after me he still would be.To give him a label seems to cheapen how much I love him. I do not want to do that. But all my relatives know about him. FYi : my Ma has a big mouth.She told them. That I had a BOYFRIEND..That i call all the time. It just bugs me..when people call him  that. I say Please,please don’t call him that. And they tell me to stop being wierd. Because I call him, talk to him and smile like the cat that ate the canary when I talk to him does not mean I want him to be called that..and so on. Now..also, I doubt if I would like it if he referred me as his girlfriend. Meaning that would be him giving me a label and all that I said for him he would be doing for me. I love him. Can that just be enough?

2. How much crap I can withstand before I crumble?

Eh. I have friends that take me for granted. I have family members that take me for granted. I have people in my life that just assume because i love them and listen..I dont have any problems of my own and then they dump all of their crap on me. And me being the person I am will just smile under all the pressure.These being some of the sam ppl that visitted me in the hospital when I had breakdowns and attacks of depression or times where i killed myself. Sometimes I feel invisible. Like M own family minus Bud would not even notice if I just walked off and didnt look back.They sort of just take advantage of me. Here are some examples. Yesterday I couldnt find my white tshirt so I went in the laundry room there was about seven loads of laundry in there. Only about one load that was mine. I did my load and my mom said.Well dont you know to do the laundry. Meaning of course this whole time she just assumed I was doing everyones laundry. Today I told them I wasnt cooking and I didnt feel well..so i went in my room to lay down, They of course made themselves something to eat and put thier dishes in the sink….expecting me..yes me to wash thier dishes..and I didnt eat.

I think if people keep piling crap on top of me I am gonna snap under the pressure.

3. My paranoid thoughts are almost getting the bettter of me.

4. My walk in Faith has been really hard lately.

5. I will persevere..What doesnt kill me makes me stronger( to quote what Matty said tonight)

tisnt that right? Right??

I really hope so

Verra..Gerraa. I am gonna stare at the ceiling.

Oh and other pointless news I finnished Bell Jar.

Siarai.

Ps. I really, really do love matt. : ) Just so no one got confused on my whole rant alot.