Ok..so Inspiration has struck.boom bang.

EVERYBODY KNOWS (Trisha Yearwood)

 

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well my inspiration has struck but it is not going to be anything of the kind sweet.. Love crap. (not that I do not love him..I am just getting annoyed at myself) So this will be more like a Sara tells all..Like about my mental illness, and stuff. I f it does not make sense again..Go back on and read about how apathetic I am.

…………..

You asked me if I cared. If I loved….if I cared.

i shrugged my shoulders, I bit my lip. How can I even answer that? I know you say you love me. But what is that in the scheme of things really. Again another shoulder shrug. Ow my lip is starting to hurt.

I dreamt of you. Like I always do. I think in a way my mind is mocking me.

k. Look you can touch him, kiss him. He is there and oh there it is again. Reality.

Like a slashed tire or a falling brick.

Because I know, In this reality that exists outside my world, anyone else has got a better shot.

So a long time ago I called you my friend. I left it as that. It will always be that.

You got upset when I started talking about him. But what can I do.

You told me No..a long while ago. I accepted it. Move on down my friend. Move on down.

Sunnie mends the fences. aura kills the trees. I am broken and bleeding..Rose is on her knees.

Dancing in the dark.  My fingers hit the mark.

Turn and twist.

Turn and twist.

I am just another puppet.On your string. On your string. And If I dont cut you loose. I might hurt more. Not sure how much more I care to hurt. Too far a way, you said. You don’t want children you said. You might never want me anyway.

A decision I made two years ago..When I talked to you. But yet i keep on talking to you. A friend in need. A friend indeed. Your blue eyes look so sad..so sad. Beautiful and so sad.

So further I press..I press..I press. I find it in the end.

I find it all. But what is really there? In my external difference of reality. Am I really this person you think i am?

Am I really nothing more?

*sometimes I wonder years later, after I am well If the bell jar would come crashing down, and I will be surrounded in this glass shell, no penetration*

I just want to feel. closed off from my self. Tired of the rattling in my head..makes me wish the bones that shake were cut off to the quick.

Regardless of what i say. Regardless if I said i dont care. You would know otherwise. So for that a part of me will always love you. The part that feels isolated from the rest of me. But I supose you see her. Is it good you see her?  I do not really know.It causes all of us to feel and some of us hate to feel.

Hate to feel. But I want to.

*come to my window.*

 

Note to self: Don’t stop now sara..You made your eyes leak. Time to make yourself shatter,Then it will all spin under. Hurrah.