No one knows what its like..

BEHIND BLUE EYES (The Who)

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I do a good job of pretending i am fine. No one realizes. No one.

My father is leaving for a trip thing to morrow..My mom will be at school alot..so It will be just me and Bud by ourselves, for a while. Since mom and bud go to bed at nine..that leaves alot of time for me to think. Thinking for me in alot of ways can be a very bad thing. Plus here is the deal..I do not even say here exactly how I feel..It stays inside me.I have a ache inside. A burn and a broken crevice. I am not sure what they are doing there..I am not even sure what i am doing inside of me. I wish I didnt have to crawl in bed alone.

I wish I had someone to keep me warm. To hold my hand. I wish these things so much.

I need something I don’t have before my crevice consumes me.

I need something to throw in my fire before it burns me alive.

I need something to rub my ache so it does not ache anymore.

I pray. I pray. For the pain to subside.

I pray for the lonliness to subside. I worry that maybe it might not ever happen. Maybe I need to just accept that the only shadow beside mine will be my son’s and God. Maybe i should just realize I am gonna walk this alone.

This walk in life. I might not have a hand to hold.

Maybe i should accept that.

.. I think after this entry if parts of me feel like this I am gonna make my enteries private..SO I wont have to worry  about any one worrying.

I need a hand to hold. I have been worried of human affection due to backlash and pain from previous seeking..But i still need  it. I worry that I hold on to people that I should let go of. I worry that no one really wants me near. They just say that. I have alot of paranoid,depressing thoughts. I hope they are not true. I hope I have friendship and some form of love. Even if it is a love I can not fully appreciate. A love I can not fully touch. A cheek I can not really kiss. A hand I can not really hold. I love you still my untouchable as unrealistic as it might be.

ANd I do realize..the reality.

I need to lay down..breathe shallow breathes and keep from leaking all of these thoughts out in a trickle from my eyes.Where passerbyes can see.

Big girls don’t cry. So I won’t. I will try to sleep and pray and hope I get sleep before the sunlight poors in. In my dark gray. Because to me the sunlight relects from my existance when my mood is so slow..so low.. I hope this feeling will fade.

Maybe i should just let you be. Maybe I should forget how you make me feel. yeh like that is possible..Maybe i should just not say I love you anymore. maybe if I dont say it it will fade. I need it to fade.

It is an impossible reality I am thinking up. It will never happen. You were theone that brought such things to light. I will just smile, smile and be your friend like I have been and hope all those other feelings will go away.

Well enough of this rambling..IF I dont write for a while never fear. I will be back.