Inane Ramblings

Well..I don’t have much to say really. I just sort of have my speedy brain syndrome and I gotta get it all out there before work.

I see through it all this dark that engulfs me. Explaining precisely what I have always feared.  Parts of me that are split off to unique beings of light.Seperate invisioned selves of me might create this dark that engulfs me tonight.

When I feel like I am going to fall from dream state to waking state I know that you are not here and it tears me into. I want you in my life more then once a month but to mutter such things might mean I am being some one I am not.

I can not be that girl. Who I am has always been this independant free thinking gypsy this spontanious idenity that creates such a dangerous nature inside herself.Fully aware that she might combust if it is not contained.I need you to sow these sides up.To create a bridge to this cast dark that might swallow me whole.

I felt that you are there before you actually are. I know somewhere in my dark you are still there.Even though I have moved on and feel like I do not need you in my dark any more.Under my skin you still crawl.Underneath it all.You are still there.Sowing the roses and plucking the thorns.Lately it seems though you are plucking the roses and sowing the thorns and I might be torn into if I am not careful.

I feel like parts of me are too forgiving.Letting you in regardless of this rift in my heart that you create by coming and going at your very leasure. I Feel I need to cut you out of my heart and ship that part of you back in a pine box and bury it under neath my magnolia tree. I have no need for it any more and when I look back to it it just cuts into me.

I feel like all parts of you must be erased but I want to hold on to you just a bit longer. To be your friend.To love you regardless if you even talk to me.That scared girl is not ready to let go yet..Even if I am.

Sometimes when I look through these eyes of mine the things I see cut through and make me hurt.

I do not know why.

I shall never understand my heart. It conflicts with my brain.It conflicts with everything.

Working my fingers to the bones.Where he resides now.My bones. How can a person I have only known for Nine years but have only opened my eys to for 30 plus days affect me so equvically. SO deeply inside me it feels like I yearn for him with my whole being. I just want him. I need him. It creates things in my brains.My muse.This intense  beautiful being that makes me want to be as beautiful as he is.Purge the ugly to be with him.SOme where were Our souls meet. In the shadows of my heart.In the shadows of my dark.

Forever He might be there. Until I grow old and I get wrinkles. I might not always have him.But his soul will always be somewhere inside of me. SOmewhere in my dark corners.Under neath my crawlspace. Where only me and my inane ramblings feel natural.Feel normal.

I have a reality outside of my crawlspace.a inane arrangement of actions I participate in because I have a human shell and it is such results I must correctly do.

But I do not want to do it sometimes.I just want to close my eyes.Have him above me.Wrap my arms around his waist and be lost in him.Be lost in me.Be lost in ourselves. As the world fades away.

As the world..fades away.