i thought I knew.

I thought i knew.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

CLeaning the house.

Tossing away the things you left behind.

I thought i would be sad.

I did not feel a thing.

vaccumming the floor.

Wishing for this unrelenting what if to subside.

what if i gave in?

What if I cried?

Would i still be tossing out you old things.

Would I still be saying goodbye to you again and again as it seems.

Would I still feel trapped in a dead end.

Would I still be smiling without a clue

While you said you loved me and I loved him too

Would I still feel empty inside my shell?

Would i still feel numb inside my hell?

Or was this all expected when i fell..

Is this just expected

When i fell.

But the emptiness takes on a new meaning

as your things staring back at me through the trash bag

As i walk through the back yard.

And deposit all of these things in the trash.

As I throw away the flowers you gave me the day before you ended it all

Because you felt guilty. Guilty of leaving

Me and my son

But I know not what heart ache feels like.

I never felt it since you left.

I never felt it at all.

Maybe i never really loved you.

Maybe I lied to myself.

I thought I knew.

But I didn’t

I had no idea.

I wasn’t even close.

……..

 I wrote this about cleaning my bedroom after my ex boyfriend left.