I just kept putting my emotions off…

and now look what I have written..It kept me up actually. Warning:This entry will talk about sex,abnormal behavior and slight obsessive things I well obsess about. Plus my inability to just get a grip on my emotions if this is too much for it is very easy…DONT READ IT>I will also be rambling and slightly incoherient from time to time…This is more of a natural accurance then usual..Hey I warned;) But if you still wanna read…I cant stop you.

My enteries lately have gotten repeatedly boring. It seems. Well to me anyway.But here is the thing. Lately when I don’t sensor myself I seem to affend people regularly. It is like my actions..Heck even my inactions are just extremely abnormal and not fit for the social structure of individuals in life. In fact only two or three people seem to not be affended by me and my actions. Good thing I love those people. But here is the thing. I hate censoring myself. So if you dont like it…Fuck off.

Here’s the deal: Everything that Happened.

1.Almost three weeks ago, Jamie and I were at this restuarant in thayer.In the town I live in. Jared’s Stepmother works there. He eats there everymorning before going to work.(he is a gardener.)Right after I moved her from Pennsylvania to missouri I saw Jared. Then I wanted him to call me. Well He never did. I wanted to know why he didnt.Turns out he was oblivious to my flirting…Meh. Maybe I dont flirt  very well. Heck if I know. So Jamie walked up to him. Gave him my phone number.

That same day he came over. Things got sort of..hot and heavy. I wouldve not have done anything normally at that time. Being that

A. I liked Boomer.

B.I wasnt really all that interested in Jared.

But when I am pissed off…At boomer. I do stupid things. Really .Really stupid things.

So yeah I havek nown this boy for years.Try about 11 years. But I still didnt much care for him after it was all said and done.(Didnt add up to..One person in the slightest..Didnt even get his feet wet.) And well we all know I am not over mister intense..That is more then a little obvious. So I told him. I cant let him be my boyfriend. That I dont want one of those.That right now I only feel that way about one person. I explained the whole situation to him.

But you know…Jared never got the hint..I have been rather mean spirited in his direction. He still doesnt notice.

2.I still like boomer. Actually the word like doesnt begin to cover it. I have been distant to him the last month or so. Due to the fact I dont quite understand my emotions. Everytime I feel them i try to overthink them. In the end I just end up with a migraine.I want to be friends with him. Heck..If we could be more then friends I would be. But my heart is being really fucked up lately..Or maybe it is my brain..Not sure.Plus I have been really mean to him. Not purposely..Meh. IT is all because I dont understand myself. He has always been him. Just like always.I just cant get a grip on myself. And when I feel this way about a person it makes me a nervous wreck.

3.My son is starting school this next monday.Im worried. School was hell for me. Kids were really mean to me. I am scared he wont fit in.People will pick on him. I want him to make friends. I am just worried. Scared,Alot..In many aspects of my life. I dont show it.

4.I have gotten really close to some people lately. Let some people in my private space. Let them know me real. Real Personally. I dont let very many people see this side of me at all. But They have. I am sort of scared to death of fucking up these friendships. Of my mental illness scaring them away.Pushing them away. Some part of me lashing out to preserve my heart so it doesnt hurt anymore.

I am just scared.

So if I write a boring entry just remember this.

When I feel these emotions I feel safer writing boring little mindless entries.

Talking about this stuff is sort of like picking at a scar that isnt healed.

Itll just bleed.

I love you all for putting up with me.For all of those I have hurt/will hurt. I am sorry. I am such a bitch sometimes.

Just know I love you.Even when I am ugly.

Teamo,Siarai

Ps. I am really sorry.