Knowing what to do yet choosing to remain stuck and miserable.

04/21/23

8:29 AM

You ever turn the brightness down on your laptop or phone because you’re embarrassed about what you’re about to write?  

Anyway, this week has been exhausting for me, I’m not sure if i manifested certain things due to overthinking and fear or if im just having bad luck but its painful when you get your hopes up for something and there is a lingering feeling that something will go wrong or things are too good to be true and then BOOM… it happens. Seems like life has been kicking me hard in the face the last two years,I have never been this down and depressed and no matter what i do or what i try to do i cant pull myself out of this ruck. The self-care showers, soothing playlist, comfort shows, light exercises, just aren’t doing it for me anymore its simply nbot enough. I called myself trying to sit in front of a mirror earlier this week and take some time to do my hair, i opened the blinds because i keep my place very dim, it makes me feel cozy and safe on top of the YouTube video i constantly have playing in the background of heavy rain and a view from a cozy bed, ANYWAY so i sit in front of this mirror fiddling around with the comb and getting little outs ill need for my hair, i finally look up and my mouth drops at my own reflection! I am so disgusted and confused and shocked as stupid as it may sound, When you spend so much time avoiding yourself and distracting yourself from who you’ve become or the abuse you have done to yourself you’ll have the actual nerve and audacity to look around and be upset over the fact that the people around you weren’t honest about your downward spiral and all of the sudden its everyone else’s fault and the next thing you know you’re crying and yelling at everyone going on and on about how if they would have just said something to you about it you would have changed and fixed it… knowing damn well that’s a lie! Why do we blame others as if we aren’t with ourselves 24/7? I guess this ties into self-sabotage and delusions, Again this has been such a tough week for me, i also decided to delete the Instagram app completely , i got sick and tired of feeling awful watching others do what id love to do for a living and comparing every aspect of my life to a perfectly edited and structured photo or video. I am hoping… well i don’t know what im coming for this weekend it always goes by so fast Saturday is used for sapping and procrastinating and Sunday is used for worrying. Reading this out loud is so embarrassing am i really this miserable? Is this what my life has become in the last 3 years? Just worry and fear, anxiety, self-sabotage? Envy of others who have the courage to push through the fear and go after what they want? 

I hope whoever is reading this (if anyone at all) has a wonderful day and a soothing weekend.