Coffee sips and delusions

04/17/23

10:22 AM

I stayed up late as i always do , did a little dancing in the dark used my rose toy, hit my vape and fell asleep around 2:00 AM. This has become a normal routine for me which has me questioning how much sleep our bodies truly need to actually function, here i am back awake and getting my day started at 6;30am and i feel okay, the place is still cluttered and can use some sunday cleaning on this decent Monday but im just picking up things as i go manuver around to different spots. After laying on my stomach for a couple hours, scrolling tiktok i finally decided to get up and make some breakfast, i tried convincing myself that i wanted to do a fast/cleanse for 7 days but i was quickly brought back to the intention behind it which is losing weight as quick as possible while proving to myself that i can indeed actually stick to something for more than 3 days. Breakfast was a cup of white rice with pepper and seasoning salt, handful of grapes, toast and two slices of turkey bacon with a cup of black coffee and cinnamon. I feel okay, no im lying, i feel a little guilty about the rice which is ridiculous but i guess thats the life of trying to heal my relationship with food and overeating , i tend to have a all or nothing mindset when it comes to this, there are no cheat days or indulging because its always triggering and starts a miserable downward spiral of not giving a fuck and lying to myself as the Mondays go by telling myself ill start over again and again. I think im going to put my protein shake ( meal replacement) to good use finally and start drinking two a day like the instructions recommended, they’re yummy and cookie and cream flavored, two scoops and a 8oz glass of almond milk or water does the trick. I’m just really trying to get back on track but everything seems like a huge mindfuck…. On another note, i cant seem to bring myself to do anything different with my hair other than the bun ive been wearing it for the past two weeks, im irritated with myself because i buy all these products and watch tutorials with the intentions of trying new styles just to lose interest when the depression kicks in.. Idk one day at a time i guess?  Anyway i am going to try to enjoy today, take it easy and get a little done if i can without overwhelming myself Maladaptive daydreaming has been consuming me lately and as comforting as it can be i know its gone too far when i find myself cuddled up against my pillow at night, with my hand perfectly placed on the right side of it as if im laying in the arms of a desired lover… FUCK … oh well.