The Thread is Starting to Break

I realized that something is seriously wrong with me when I looked down at my arms and couldn’t find room to do any more damage. And the thing is, I don’t know how it happened. One minute there was just a scratch or two, and now…

I’m finding that I’m blanking out a lot lately. There are bits and pieces that I just cannot remember, and everything is one big massive clump of confusingness that doesn’t go in any sort of sequential order. I tend to lose a lot of friends when I get like this. I don’t want to talk to anybody, let alone listen to them. I’m so wrapped up in my own thoughts that I can hardly even manage to do even the most trivial and routine things. I thought I was done with all of this. I thought I had moved on from that coping strategy. The truth is, I don’t even know any other way to cope. One thing pops into my mind when I think of the word ‘cope’. In fact, it’s that same thing that pops into my head when I think of much of anything lately. I think about the next time I can have some sort of sharp object piercing into my skin. It drives me, it keeps me here. Ironically, it’s what’s keeping me alive.

What scares me is when I look at it in a different light. When my intent is far worse than release. When all I want is for everything to just…stop.