The Hole

Been feeling so worthless. Just my thoughts constantly saying “you are good for nothing” over and over again, like a mantra. I wake up just to have these words jump me, keeping me from getting out of bed, wanting to go back to sleep just so it will stop. Sometimes it changes to what my dad said when i was little “eres bien burro” dumb as a donkey, pertaining to me doing my homework. Those words resonate in me too all the time. I am dumb as a donkey, look at me wallowing in dumbass thoughts like this. And i cant seem to stop it. Maybe i just dont want to, just to punish myself some more.

Benji came over 2 days ago. He is a friend that i had dated when me and my last ex, scott, were  in an open relationship. We both dated him, but ultimately, benji broke up with us. When me and scott broke up, i intuitively ran to benji, as unhealthy as that sounds. I just needed the affection. Ever since, we have been on and off talking, on and off because i dont know how to conversate and will take days to answer a simple convo text. Benji had been seeing someone during this time, and had actually been living with him, so i wasnt exactly his priority. Which i was fine with for the most part, he was in love, but gay culture here is very open, open relationships are not uncommon. Besides, i cant just jump to the next guy to be with. I was fine with friendship and casual sex.

Anyways, he came over 2 days ago, and we went out to eat. He caught me up on whats been happening, how they had broken up a couple of months back and, well a lot had happened. He said that even though they had grown apart, that he was still hoping to be in a kink family with him, being a fellow sub to his current alpha. It kinda sent me down a hole mentally though, because, I was hoping to be part of benji’s family, look for something together. But he is still in love.

I dont know why it made me go down that hole. It made me feel…..unwanted? When i asked him what he was looking for with coming out with me today, he said, he just wanted friendship and casual cuddling and sex. I dont know WHY i expected anything else, thats what we had been doing the whole time before. I guess, my feelings changed after a couple of months not really seeing him or talking to him.

He had always reassured me that im not gonna make him sad, that im not gonna poison him emotionally, and that he mainly broke up with scott cuz he noticed the growing tension between me and scott and didnt wanna be part of that. That he still really liked me. I think thats why my feelings had changed. Cuz he did say he really liked me. But maybe i misinterpreted it. I dunno.

Although he reassured me all these things, the fact that im not really in the cards for him to be in a relationship with, made me feel like i WOULD poison him the way i did scott. That i AM indeed toxic. A good for nothing.

AND ALL OF THIS MAKES ME FEEL EVEN WORSE OF A PERSON BECAUSE ALL HE NEEDED WAS MY SUPPORT FOR HIM AFTER HIS BREAKUP.

im too wound up in my own shit, and i couldnt support him when he was in pain after he told me about his break up. Instead, i tried to jump at some opportunity to be his rebound. ANd i shut down when i realized thats not what he wanted with me. Im dumb as a donkey.

We havent communicated since he left the house. Ive been thinking its bad for both of us to communicate when he is trying to sort through his own feelings. Or maybe im just a bad friend unable to provide him with support. I just feel bad. all the time. about everything.

I just wanna run away, become a sex toy to a master, and just lose my personality to lust

or kill myself. Why live a life i cant find joy in. All the things that used to make me happy have been sucked into this hole. this void of nothing. Im just a big ball of sad. i would just make benji sad if i was with him.

The more this hole takes, the bigger it gets. Until eventually itll swallow me up entirely.

My soul, sucked away into the void of apathy.

And I will be as I feel. Nothing.