The Curse of the Sad Mummy

Me and benji talked, he doesnt want to be with me that way, not anymore. He reassured me it wasnt anything against me, but i know its because i just….have no personality anymore. I wouldve just taken him down with me. But it still hurts. Knowing that the person who kept reassuring me that i wasnt toxic or poison or mood killer, ended up not wanting to be with you because of those same things.

I know hes going through shit, and i really dont blame him or am mad at him. Im just, upset at myself, im sad that i cant seem to change. Im not even trying. I just want to wallow in this pit. Why?

I often think about Amumu, from league of legends(hate the game, but their characters’ lore runs deep and intricate) I really relate to him, having this curse of sadness, that spreads like disease to anyone around. Unable to control their sadness and anger, and having no friends because they ultimately  become too sad to be around me. Unlike Amumu though, ive alrdy accepted this curse as my fate.

I think im gonna do it. Im gonna run away from here, far away where i dont know anyone. I wanna be a new person. I dont like anything about myself, to quote sarah lynn.

Im already talking to someone on discord, i know him and his pups from twitch and discord. Ill be visiting them in canada and see if things fit, to be taken in as another pup to the litter. I wouold be the third pup, a hypno pup. And hopefuully ill be hypnotized to be a better person than i am. Obedient and happy, with an actual personality.

But if i start a new life…..will i take this curse with me? Will i be able to break it? Probably not….but i should try, right?