The 11 Year Time Skip: A Re-introduction

Years ago, I used to write on here, when i was a teenager, and stopped during my early 20s. My life now, is at a point where….well, im miserable for the most part. So Im back here, seeing if writing down my thoughts will help. Most of my rambling will probably just be run on thoughts to be honest….

Anyways, since my last entry 11 years ago, a lot of things have happened, obviously.

For one, I’ve matured a little more from my edgy teens. Unfortunately, I am now simply a lost bitter soul.

Woe is me, and i honestly hate putting myself down outloud. But it literally happens 24/7 inside my head. So i try to keep it inthere. No one likes to hear someone complain about themselves all the time.

For two, sex and kink have become a big part of my life, I used to always chase boys and want to be in a relationship….and now having experienced multiple over the years, Ive realized Im not able to hold one. Im not happy. I am NOT a happy person. And my emotions seem locked. Sex brings me joy. And the tension and release and overall dynamic of a sub/dom relationship seems to ever be the only true stress reliever i have.
Not too mention how little control i have over my lust and desires.

Ive been living with karen and leo(brother of steven, best friend of past entries) for most of these couple of years. We moved out of our hometown about 9 years ago, into a big city. Gay culture is big here, so I was able to absorb a lot of it, having been from a small town. I experienced many relationships here and back at home. Some ended in my heart broken, others in me breaking someones, some in complete meltdowns. And this last one, a year ago, really broke me.

Kizel, the best friend froma couple of entries ago? She broke up with the boyfriend a long while back, and shes been in 2 long term relationships since. Shes in a 3rd one now, and she had a kid this year with him. They live way out of state, i havent seen her in…..wow almost 10 years now…..we text here and there, but im not in a good place, and uncommunicative. Im a bad friend.

Steven got married with elisa last year, they used to live with us until a couple of months ago. We have all grown quite apart from high school. His brother Leo, and wife Karen are the current best friend holders. I feel like they are 2 of the only 5 friends i have right now. Im not a sociable person.

The weed smoking? OH THAT? i do that shit everyday. every 2 hours almost. Im high literally all the time. It is my normal. I used to wonder what it would be like when i used to write in this diary. Hell, i used to read someones entries who was a couple of years older than me, who had a weed problem, that he was trying to quit in the end cuz he wanted to do everything while high. WELP. Here I am now. Now i know what it feels like. And its definetly not a healthy habit. Just because its better than cigs or, well, literally any other drug, doesnt make it healthy. But I do agree, my drug problems could be a lot worse. The smokers lungs is pretty annoying though.

Music has stayed with me throughout my adventure though. From playing me to sleep, to singing them myself for karaoke.

SO NOW THAT WE ARE ALL CAUGHT UP SINCE LAST TIME:

Hi, I go by K pup(KaraokePup), as my online pup persona. I make karaoke lyric videos for people to sing at parties or bars through youtube.
But in reality, im Shugo, a sad shadow of what used to be a person. Ive always been this depressing, but at least i had hobbies that brought me joy, and a personality to be friends with.

I love karaoke, i love to sing. But that is also slowly…..seeping out of me. Nothing seems to bring me true joy anymore. And as Ive grown anti social, sex and relationships have been increasingly lacking.

My own thoughts attack me day and night; “Worthless. Good for nothing. Everyone hates you. You’re lazy and fat. You deserve this unhappiness.”
Versions of my friends in my head always thinking ill of me. ALL ME, just putting myself down. All the time.

Im not good at social situations anymore. Im too in my head to add anything to a conversation. I cant even have a conversation. You know that person youre on a date with who just answers you question when you’re trying to conversate, and youre like “THEYRE GIVNING ME NOTHING”
Thats me, thats me unable to be anything but a FUCKING WALL to talk to. I dont know how to fix it. I dont know how to talk. I just say stupid things that make me look stupid. Im just not easy to talk to.

I dont know what to do. So here I am.