Just to be.

I was in a 5 year relationship that ended in him leaving back to his hometown (thousands of miles away) last year. After 2 years living together, and him being unemployed promising change everytime, he ran away, told me he would come back in a month and then said that he wasnt coming back.
Now i am stuck with his poor dog he abandoned, a reminder of the person i poisoned with this vile depression. A reminder that i wasted 5 years that i couldve used to be in the dynamic i wanted. A reminder that Im contagious, that my sadness is contagious. I am toxic. A reminder that I am a broken person.

I remember being so in love with him. One night, 2 years in, i really thought he would be one that i would stay with for reals this time. I did a whole thing. He really likes Buffy the Vampire Slayer, we both do. Buffy and Angel are madly in love, and they have a a claddagh ring to symbolize their love and faith for each other. Love, loyalty, and friendship. I got one for him, and on this nnight surprised him.

I got him to watch the episode that angel gives buffy the ring. When he gave her the ring, i took out my own, and his face dropped, sobbing. It was such a beautiful moment, he was so happy, and i was so in love.

How was our love so poisoned by this sadness. Im just a fucking void. I distance myself from family because of this. They want me to be there for them, to  just be present emotionally. And I cant. Im just a wall. A wall of sad.(lmao)

Its so hard to just…..be.
I used to take medication, but i stopped because i wanted to punish myself for being a bad person, a bad friend, abad boyrfriend, just bad everything. So i willingly gave myself withdrawal to punish myself out of some sort of guilt complex. So i dont take medication anymore, because its just fuel for me to punish myself when i spiral.

I do the same thing now, not wanting therapy. I dont want the help because “I deserve to be unhappy”
A friend told me catholics seem to be big on the guilt, adding that “a lot of catholics are kinky, and a lot of catholic cultures have an alcohol overconsumption problem” BECAUSE of the innate guilt we subconsciously hold from catholic teachings.
It made sense to me, that because Jesus sacrificed himself, we owe it to him to follow his word, and when we dont, we feel guilty. Even if we dont believe anymore, the teachings stay with us.
And honestly, that really rings true for me. I still hold a lot of resentment towards christianity because of the whole…..church boot camp, “soldiers of god” thing i had to go through trying not to be gay. As well as so many other things….But the guilt that “i deserve torment” because im a selfish, lazy, etc etc etc person, will always stay with me.

Its hard to just be!
And ive been thinking about just….giving myself, body and mind, to someone. To dedicate myself to be someones possession. To lose my individuality to the lust of only being property to be used. To just be a houseboy. A sex drone. A dumb little slave. I wouldnt have to deal with my self deprecating thoughts. Nothing in mylife would matter anymore. Only my master’s. I would be happy just to please. Just to be.

But i dont know if i could ever go back after that. I have a history of not knowing what i want. This is probably just another one of those.

I just dont know what to do with myself. I dont want help. But im tired of the torment. I just dont want to think anymore.