Its lonely in this cloud

hello old friend, long time no see….well written

its been….hard

my life is going nowhere, im lonely and stuck in this rut, i feel im addicted and have so many problems, with no one to talk to, no one to reach out to

you are the one who hears me out diary

or well blog, i dont care, i just want to express

i have been drinking, not too much, ive had  4 beers tonight, cant get anymore, nor do i want to as its boring to drink alone

diary, ive been feeling so….lonely, desperate even, alone, scared….useless….

almost everyday ive been drinking and/or smoking, its certainly not healthy

this has been going on for the last couple of months

the most prominent feelings throughout these last months have been apathy, emptiness, envy, and loneliness

ive done nothing with my life, absolutely nothing, ive been wasting away playing league, drinking, smoking, and alone at that

kizel has moveed on with her life….she lives in SD, and seems to be doing well, maybe not, we have grown apart since she got with brian, i feel its my fault, or maybe its the distance….i dont even know how she feels about me

im just so lonely diary, i want to be held, i want a shoulder to cry on, yet there is none

i have so much passion to give, but i feel it scares people, i feel it drives people away, so i shut it down, this is why im not the same person anymore

i keep going back to smiley, it happend s fucking long ago, but i have not been the same since

i feel this void in my life, i need something and i cant put my finger on it

im despertate to find a partner, but….i dont want to pick someone for the sake of not being alone…..i want someone who has a mutual likeness for me,  my second half if you will

so much has happened to me, so many bad things, ive changed too much, im harder, im colder, and a lot less expressive, because i dont want anyone to see me cry, to see me hurt, to see me causing a comotion, to see me vulnerable maybe

….

i feel if this keeps going, i wont be able to be who i was, i wont be able to be happy

2012 passed….

the last half of that year, i was ready to die, i was ready for the world to end, not because i believed in the conspiracies, but because i wanted to

i WANTED the world to end, i wanted to die, i didnt want to do anything because i thought it would all be for naught, everything gone

but then it didnt

and i stayed….lonely….dazed…..im stilll waiting for that day that i die, maybe in a car accident, i guess i just have a death wish…..

my self preservation is still intact…..i cant kill myself, nor do i want to die, as im afraid……but i just want it to be over, i want my thoughts to cease, endless, hectic thoughts, always babbling, always talking, always singing songs i dont want to hear, i just want it to shut up!

 

 

ive managed to fill the void with sex

im on craigslist, hooking up  with strangers

i never thought id be that kind of guy, but i guess i am

its overwhelming, i really do want someone to talk to, someone who will listen to me and not talk about their own problems….im always  the shoulder, but never the crier………

heh, thats my own fault

thats the funny thing, all of my problems are self inflicted……i cant help myself as there is too much to deal with, i dont know where to start, my racing thoughts are too hectic, my stress level is too high, and i stress way too easily, i cant deal with it all myself…..i want a therapist or psychologist, anyone who will help me…..nope but i cant for reasons i dont feel like explaining, financial reasons, but i am going insane

 

my passions come and go, as do my inspirations…….i feel so sad….i have no passion, no motiavation, nothing to keep me going, nothing to drive me

im just here

doing nothing

accomplishing nothing

being of no importance other than my family, whom i feel apathetic about

apathy…..

you seem to be my most prominent feeling

maybe its smiley

the hurt i felt, maybe i just shut down

perhaps it all came crashing down in that camping trp so long ago

thats the last i remember really being myself

 

this void will eat me alive, i can feel it writhing in me, and soon ill feel nothing, because i will be nothing

ill be dead

i will rot

alone

….

my greatest fear is to die alone….and yet, i have a love/hate relationship with death

i just wnat it to be over….

the drugs are whats keeping me going right now, the weed, the alcohol

the bad thing is that i abuse these, im conscious of what i do, i know what im doing and im a very self aware person…..but the hectic and unorganized thoughts are a problem…..so is the drive….

i dunno what to do diary, i dont know what to do with my life, and i dont know where im gonna end up, i only hope that i will find something that will make me the guy i used to be, happier, and fulfilling