im my own worst enemy…

omg…yesterday was not rlly a good night…but it was also kinda good i gess lol

 

bad part-

 

i started drinking at a party my friend’s sister had, and well, i dropped off the car and i started drinking, trying to have fun and forget all my worries….it worked…for a while…then, of course, octavio came, and everytime im there he always has to try to make me jealous, because he knows how jealous i get, dam, i hate my jealousy >.< sooo, some girl called, and he started telling her he loves her, and that he like to hear her voice and everything like dat, and apperently he only does that WITH ME AROUND >.< cuz all my friends were like wtf? so drank more, trying to have fun, and the dizziness was rlly….well, kinda fun xD

but then i got rlly moody…im a very moody person when im drinking apperently…i got very sad, i told my friend i wanted to kill myself, that i wanted to die…and she was so comforting, she told me that we’re her friends, and we’re always gonna be there for me…i told her how much of a hypocrite i am, that i try ti prevent any suicide, that i care for everyone, and i dont want anyone to kill themselves, that everyone matters…but, i feel like im the opposite of all that i believe…

i found out that rlly…im my own worst enemy…

she comforted me though..and i went back with my friends, and got all happy, then someone a friend told another friend to "slap him for me" and i was like "u fucking touch me, and ill punch ur fucking face" and i realized, i didnt wanna say dat, and all those feeling of getting bullied came back to me, and i got angry…i had no reason to, but that anger that came out of me lashed out at him, and i didnt wanna do that, and i quickly apolagized, and then i felt bad for doing that….

then, octavio said something that also made me lash out at him, and i told him "u fucking do anything to me and  ill–" i stopped myself before i could go any further, and again apolagized, and he said "what did u say? yea i thought so, cuz u know ill mess u up" i got even more angry…

i got out of the room and went outside, i threw my little drawing binder thing on the ground, and just felt like i wanted to kill someone, literally kill someone… elisa ran out trying to calm me down, and i was just like "im sry, im so sry" she just kept saying "its ok its ok…" steven also ran out asking me whats wrong, and i told him, im getting angry, and he knew what i meant…he told elisa dat i needed to let this anger out, and he  took me to this metal box on the ground, and i punched it, i hurt my left hand, so i punched it with my right hand until it started aching, and then i just fell to the ground, and started crying…

elisa told me its ok, that everyones here, cuz by then, all my friends were outside with me….

i jsut cried more, saying how i dont wanna kill anyone, and yet i got that urge, and just didnt wanna be like that, i didnt wanna be so violent…and she told me dat its ok, dat at least im stopping myself, and that at least i dont want to, and that this is what alcohol does to you….

then steven came up to me and he was like "u know what u need buddy, u need a hug" he started hugging me along with elisa "because u know why u need a hug? because hug is guh spelled backwards, and guhs are good" i started giggling, he made me happier, and so did elisa…

good part-

elisa and steven rlly care about me, it was comforting to see dat they were showing it…

 

 

 

 

so, party over, i was just apolagizing to elisa, because she seemed stressed, she said it was ok…

i went home, octavio gave me a ride…i dont think he knew what to do, or i think he was scared to do anything….maybe he doesnt care….but i dont want to believe that….

 

 

 

sooo, dat happened yesterday, well actually, it was like 12 or 1, so it was actually today lol

both my knuckles hurt =/ and i rippedd some skin off punching dat box, so my bones hurt, and knuckles burn lol

 

 

but yea…im sry if this entry make u realize how much of a hypocrite i am….but when i say something i rlly mean it….but i apperently never listen to myself…so, i never take my own advice…

im sry, that this angry side of me such a violent side….it gets out sometimes, but it only gets out when ive just had it, and someone starts talking shit about me in front of me….im thinking the beer played with my emotions =/

believe me, i dont like getting angry….its like somehting else takes over, and i just feel like im dreaming…its the exact opposite of my nature…i wish i didnt get so angry like dat….

 

i dunno……i just feel bad that im like this….

some comforting notes would be of help lol =/