A cycle of alienation, changing for the worse

i have not updated this thing in such a long time….

well, from where i left off, i had just lost my best friend smiley….that was waaay back on december….

on january i started hanging out with other people, and i got close to someone who would also become my best friend, kizel

shes great, shes a punk from LA, and we have a lot of fun….or at least, we used to….

i dunno what has been up with me lately, i dont know if its my mood swings again,or maybe drinking and smoking have changed me, or maybe its the fact that im still plagued and troubled from losing my best friend.

or all three

i have thought about it and thought about it…

i have been smoking(weed) a lot lately, pretty much every day, and ever since january, it was getting more frequent.

once every so and so weeks, became evey 2 weeks, became every week, became twice or three times a week, became everyday, and now im at the point where i have had three sessions in one day

this whole process was in the course of 8 months

i decided to cut back today, and not smoke becacuse of this, and im prbly not gonna smoke for a while either, to see if i can fix what ive become…

and what is that u say?
someone who wants to have fun, yet cant seem to have much of it….

i wanna go out, but i dont at the same time

i want to have fun with friends, but i also just wanna stay home and do nothing

why? lets go back a few months, back when i met kizel

me and kizel had a lot of fun, we used to smoke toghether or drink together and chill, and have adventures. we became really close,  and we were similar in a lot of things

we even went to LA, and i had never been to LA and hollywood, that trip was just amazing

anyways, the problem didnt start until about 3 months ago when we went on a camping trip with kevin and bubbles…..

by this time, i was over the whole smiley incident….or at least i thought i was….

at the camping trip i got too drunk and my feelings started spewing out like a fire hydrant

i cried and cried so much…..all about smiley

kizel almost cried with me(the next day, she said she cried because she had never seen me in so much pain)

everything changed after that night

i havent been the same

things got even worse the day i had this big party about a month or 2 later

long story short, it was fking awesome party, but the house was trashed, and before i had a chance to clean up in the morning(which was when everyone left) my grandma came, threw a huuuuuge fit, and i slapped her out of reaction.

very disrespectful on my end, and we said out sorries and fixed the problem, but our relationship was pretty much broken

i alienated my own grandma like that….

and when kizel got a boyfriend, i also started unconsciously alienating her too…

ive thought about this, and came to the conclusion that since everytime, one of my best friends gets in a relationship, i becomes just another friend…

and with my luck on keeping best friends, i just….started getting detached

i had steven and kevin since i was 12, then steven got a girlfriend in high school, and we stopped talking as much, then kevin did the same, and we also stopped talking as much(we are good friends now though, so thats good)
then there was erika, but then she got a boyfriend…

then ivana, but then she got a boyfriend and we stopped talking, and we pretty much lost contact…

then smiley….and that didnt end well either…

and with kizel, it was self inflicted =/

after i realized all this, i started feeling…..better….

i had about a 3 month period where i just felt like a zombie, and i just didnt want to do anything…

but after realizing all my problems, im starting to fix them starting with the drugs.

ive also told and explained to kizel why i have been so distant, and she understood, our friendship is a little distant right now…..but im sure i will get better, and things will be fixed soon…

i need to start getting my act together

ineed to do good in my classes

i have to start REALLY looking for a job here

i need to stop getting so discouraged

and i need to move on with my life

 

so heres to hoping i start doing better….

heres to hoping i start feeling better…

 

 

on a side note, ive also been feeling very lonely(lol whats new?)

it sucks u.u ive been single for 2 years now, can fate throw me a bone here?

but i guess i should fix myself before that :S