The Subconscious Knows

I started this Chapter referencing the end of my 20 year “marriage” and I’m starting with what broke the camels back, what the moment of finality was. I’m working backward.

I wish I could say it was one isolated event that led up to this or that it isn’t 20 years of build up. 2024 has been the rockiest year for my significant other and myself if I had to say. I have been at the worst place ever mentally. I am struggling with PTSD trauma/triggers, anxiety/panic attacks, suicidal ideations, and finding my place in our relationship as our children age and phase out of the home. I have vocalized this to my significant other. I owned that part of the relationship. I KNOW that being with someone with a mental illness is exhausting, it is hard, and it takes a strong person. Especially through the untreated mania. But when you have someone vocalizing their needs, their fears, their wants you cannot use it against them. I was being as vulnerable and open as I knew how to be. When I was expressing myself to him I was hoping for compassion in return, love in return-not I love you. But being shown love, extra caring, extra tending too. I was hoping he would carry the weight so I could heal.

I will admit that I do not want to be with my significant other. I have not wanted too since December 2023. But I stayed; I rode the roller coaster. Love is a fucking funny thing. No matter how smart you are, no matter how in tune you are, love tells you to forgive. Love tells you to try. And that is what I felt like I was always doing. I was forgetting who I was and believing who my significant other said I was. I felt stuck. I felt lost. I felt worthless. I felt weak. I felt like my life was out of control. I felt like I had nothing.

I am notorious for saying that I want to leave, its over, etc. etc. Things out of spite and anger during an argument. Because I argue with a narcissist. I argue with someone that takes every incident and twists it. Twists and projects it back. No question is answered in black and white; a question is posed in return. I say what I feel is wanted to be heard, I say what ends an argument, I say what calms the storm. Why because it is emotionally exhausting arguing back and forth about the same bullshit that never has a resolution. It is exhausting always being the reason the relationship is in turmoil. It is exhausting fighting for something that is based off a lie. The entire relationship is exhausting.

I’ve been vague in what my significant other did that led me to end 20 years. Vague because openly saying it disgusts me. It confuses me. It infuriates me. The emotions it ignites in me is exhausting.

*Quick backstory that is important for going further*
I caught my partner in a secret adults only sexually based Facebook group many months ago. It was a place where boob pics, dick pics, inappropriate memes, and games played, etc are shared. At the time when he was caught I was jealous. Because it could have been something we did together. He could have just told me and I wouldn’t have cared. But he hid it. He invited me to join the group but its not my thing. 

Fast forward ➡️

I had a feeling he was “cheating” by my definition. As I stated in December 2023, I was done and wanted to leave. I wanted to end the relationship. He was openly caught texting someone after weekly pool league. He didn’t care and claimed it was a “test” to see if I was really going to leave. When I became so emotional and black out and ultimately passed out, he didn’t care. He never answered if I passed the test. But it was then when he refused to let me have access to his phone.

That alone heightened the suspicion.

For months we have bickered on and off; discussed ending the relationship. Discussed separating. Everytime I initiated the conversation I was always promoting ending things. But needed him to say it as well. He would always say “whatever you want”- it never worked for me. He preached the relationship was TWO people; but would never just be black and white. 2024 has been the year where he could have walked out at any point and I would have been OK. I gave him the option. Without strings. I joked about girlfriends, I accused him, I joked about sexting, cheating. EVERYTHING. Each time he denied it. Everytime he said no. EVERYTIME he blamed me for being insecure, not trusting him, was I cheating. He blamed me for not having sex with him. Everytime it was brought up he became on the defense, and it got shifted into my faults.

I’m not sure why I finally decided to just look, just get confirmation.  Maybe it was the fact that my mind cannot let things go; even months after. The feeling that his phone was a secret was nagging. My subconscious knew what it would find. As I stated this is the pattern….

*Continued*