The childhood memories that never go away

I have 10 minutes to write this.  That’s when Mark gets off work.  I hate that he works Sundays.

I’m such a mess sometimes… ok most the time, that I don’t know how Mark deals with me.  I lost it last night.  Big surprise.  Mark and I went to his friend’s housewarming party and all was well.  We had a few beers each, ate some burgers off the grill and came home early.  Around 10 I think.  Then I got on facebook and for some reaason I felt like it was a good time to Facebook someone who is very near and dear to my heart.  His name is Jeremy.  We were brother and sister for a short time when his mom and my dad dated for 6 or so years and were engaged.  Oh what a happy time that was for me.  I’d been wanting to share this memory I have of him for a while now and I’m not sure why I did it when I was half drunk.  I wrote on his wall about the time he was 8 (he’s now 17 or 18) and got ring worm on the very tip of his nose and I called him rudolph for months and he would cry and cry like a baby!  Great memory.  Then he wrote back and picked on me for eating mac and cheese 3 times a day and playing constantly on AOL, back when the Internet was still up and comming.  Haha.  It was kind of sweet, even though I don’t think he was very pleaased with me writing that for his friends to see. 

Mark was already in bed and when I got in I just started to sob.  Practically histercial, I was even having trouble talking.  I just don’t understand why Novie (Jeremy’s mom) doesn’t talk to me.  When I first found her on Facebook last summer she messaged me the sweetest words ever and it made me feel so good.  She was a mother to me.  She was so good to me and I was just a young little girl.  She was amazing and I am lucky to have had her in my life.  I felt like a part of my life was missing and when I saw her face on the computer screen, I got it back.  Complete.

I think my dad told her not to speak to me, and I’m not sure why but it I breaks my heart, and it really broke my heart last night.  When I first reconnected with Novie, I didn’t tell my dad bc I didn’t know what his reaction would be so I just kept it to myself.  And I didn’t think anything was wrong with that.  I’m an adult now so what does it matter to him?  Then just recently, maybe last month, dad out of nowhere said, "I talked to Novie, she said you were talking to her on Facebook." and I said yes we were, and that was the whole conversation.  It took me some time to connect the dots and realize he’s probably the reaason she stopped messaging me.  Her first message was so sweet and heartfelt, she talked about how much she missed me and thought of me over the years.  She asked that we continue to keep in touch and I wrote back, absolutely!  I cried when I first read her message.  It felt so good to hear from here.

That was such a great time in life for me.  I was just a little girl, a pre teen, and that is the only time in life I’ve ever known to be apart of a family.  It was me, my sister, dad, Novie was our Mom and Jeremy was my brother.  We were a whole, we were complete together.  And then I dont know what happend.  It was hard.  She left and I always thought she would come back.  That was 10 years ago, when I was 14 or maybe 15 and I haven’t seen her since.  I’ve been carrying this in my heart ever since.  It’s such a heavy weight on me.

Maybe I need to grow up, be the adult I am, and confront my dad about it.  I’m going to ask why.  What did he say to her?  And tell him how I really feel.  How much I miss her in my life.

Sigh.