Probably not even worth reading

 A lot of this probably won’t make since to you.  These are bits and peices of entries that I never got around to finishing.  I hate to throw away perfectly good writing, so I will post it here more for personal reference then anything else.
 
 
 
 
Thursday 10/1/09
And the next day you’re gone
Lesson: Be thankful for the life you live.
Times like these make me evaluate my own life.  It is sad that other peoples hardships can put your own "problems" into perspective.  Maybe it just goes to show, the grass alway seems greener on the other side.  Sad, but true, that actually witnessing someone else’s misfourtune causes you to stop to think about your own present, past and future.  When it’s my time to go, am I confident I have fully lived my life the way I envisioned?  The way my life was meant to be?  Did I do my part?  Did I do enough?  Did I love enough?  Did I LIVE enough? 
 
 
 
 

"I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

 
 
  
 
 
 
 
 
My spirit is dying.  The spark, the passion I had for life is dwindling.  It is sometimes even hard to wake up in the morning.  I have little motivation. 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Monday 8/3/09
Lesson:
Here I am, yet another Monday morning, wasting away. I will call about the Youth Academy job first thing tomorrow, for sure. I’m feeling lucky today though, you never know what the day may bring.
 
I went on vacation 2 weeks ago and never wrote about it. I came back so depressed, hence my last entry, that I had other things I needed to get off my chest. It was nice to get away for 10 days, but it wasn’t nearly as relaxing as years past. For starters, Mark could only stay for the first 3 days and I didn’t really have anyone to hang out with all the time after he left. Then my dad girlfriend, Debra, came along like she has for the past 3 summers. I was pretty borderline whether or not I liked her for quite sometime now. She started off as cool and quickly lost points the more I saw her. After this beach week, it’s official. If I didn’t like her before, I DEFINITELY don’t like her now. She constantly nagged me about my job. Every chance she got she would lecture me on moving to D.C. and working in news radio, moving to Ocean City to work in marketing, starting my own PR firm in West Virginia…. like it’s that easy. I wanted to shoot her. One night when she was drinking and my whole family was at our place, she talked about it all night. So much she annoyed the hell out of everyone else too. I couldn’t help but get an attitude when I tried to explain that it is harder now than it was 35 years ago when she worked in radio. I have a dying passion and I can’t work for peanuts. I have to be realistic and focus my energy on something that can actually work for me long term. She didn’t get it. I think she got into my head more than I thought and that is part of what caused my break down last week. Bitch. I felt like she was downing me, like I wasn’t trying or working hard enough to better myself. Like I’m lazy or something, but my manors are too good to actually say something straight forward to her. My dad would have killed me and I didn’t want to be totally rude even though she was to me.
 
My little cousin came with my Aunt and Uncle. I absolutely love my aunt and uncle. I only really see them once a year, but I probably know them better than anyone else in my family. They’re great people and it’s so nice of them to bring their grandson, my 2nd cousin, to the beach with them. He’s 11 years old and I thought it would be cool having a little guy around to play with and pick on, and it was cool the first few days. Then he drove me totally bananas for the rest of the week. So annoying talking about the most random things, aliens and crap. When I was young, I was not allowed to speak while adults were speaking, but he just did whatever he wanted and wouldn’t stop talking. I set him straight several times. Maybe next summer he will be a little more older and a little more cool.
 
My sister’s boyfriend took Mark and I deep sea fishing one day and that was quite an experience that I probably won’t do again for a long time. I’ve been talking about going tuna fishing for probably 2 years now and finally got the chance. We
 
 
 
 
 
Wednesday 7/8/09
Lesson: Hopes are high!
Last week I had weird dreams that I was pregnant. It was driving me crazy. It seemed like everywhere I went there were pregnant people, babies, and kids everywhere. I didn’t think anything of it until I had a dream Mark and I were having a baby. Then I was like, oh boy that’s a sign. Finally I realized I probably had the dream because I feel asleep watching 16 and Pregnant on MTV. That made since to me. I am on the pill but I used my back-up pack this month since I just got new insurance and couldn’t make a gyn appointment fast enough to get a prescription. I used my back up pack once before and I had one pill missing during the 2nd week of my cycle.
 
 
 
 
Friday 6/26/09 Like a Mother Goose
Lesson: Age is just a number.
I have recently reconnected with a friend and I couldn’t be happier about it. Jean Carol is as old as my parents, 56, and she works at the library where I went to college. Five years ago as a freshmen, my first work-study job was to be her student-worker in the library. She was so sweet to me back then. I didn’t work much, just 15 hours a week and I would sit close to her desk and we would chat the time away while labeling and organizing books. We drank tea together and she would always bring a new flavor to share with me. How cute.
 
I only kept that job for one semester since the work study program moves jobs as needed and I missed working with Jean Carol. I went over to visit occasionally, but not as often as I should have, only once a semester probably, but she was always so welcoming and I would stay for at least an hour each time to catch up. She knew I was close to graduation and I guess since I hadn’t stopped by the library to see her, she was wondering if I actually did. I really did like Jean Carol, but I don’t know why I never spent more time with her. She looked me up in the school email directory and you can imagine how happy I was to read her surprise email one day.
 
We exchanged several emails and then she invited me to go walking with her one evening around this beautiful park with huge shade trees in our area. I was glad to join her. We walk once a week now at this huge beautiful park where one lap is 1.3 miles— we usually do two. She’s as sweet as can be and we talk about all kinds of things.
 
It’s funny for me to think about when we first met. I was a total and complete different person back then.
 
 
Thursday 6/25/09 In a perfect world.
Lesson: The mind is a terrible thing to waste
I got out of the car at ten til eight this morning and while walking into the hospital I thought, "this is going to be the longest eight and a half hours of my life." Total misery.
 
I really do think an eight hour work day is too long. The world would be a better place if a typical work day were only six hours, just like school. Then people would have time to do things like run to the grocery store instead of making that a Saturday afternoon routine. I barely have the time or energy to even fix dinner after when I get home and I can’t begin to imagine how parents manage. The whole first hour and last hour of my work day are absolutely pointless anyways, might as well cut them out. Actually, on a normal day I barely even have enough work to do the entire day. If it wern’t for USAtoday.com and weather.com, I don’t know what I would do. Emails keep me going too.
 
This is actually what makes me feel the best throughout the day, is to just let my thoughts and fingers take control and do as they please. It’s sad, but this free time is the highlight of my day.
 
 
I’m just so sick and tired of doing this dummy-work day in and day out.
 
 
Lesson: It has taken me years to learn that thoughts are not facts.
 
 
Lesson: Good friends are hard to find.
It may be Tuesday but I’m still reminiscing about the weekend and what a wonderful time it was! My very best friend, Meghan, from college moved to Houston after she graduated two years ago. We’ve seen each other once since, but speak regularly. She was in town for 10 days and we had a blast! She was in her hometown two hours away from me most of the time, but she did come down to see my new apartment when she first flew in.
 
Friday after work I drove to Ohio to see her and actually thought about canceling at the last minute since I had just moved into the new place 3 days before and Mark’s friends were coming in town and I wanted the place to at least look respectable. Also, Meghan and I were meeting for a Pirates game the next day so I knew I would see her then. Well I said screw the unpacking and went after work anyways and was SO glad I did.
 
Once I got there I was so happy I couldn’t even believe I considered not going. We started drinking beer early, around 8 or so and went to a bar. It was a cool place to go. Her friends from high school met us there and we grabbed some couches and started putting em back. It was so nice to have Meghan around again. We just talked and laughed like old times. I miss her so much, we spend the whole night together. Her boyfriend who’s from Houston came up too and he was such a nice guy. She really found a great one and I was sure to tell her that. He’s perfect for her and I can tell he really loves her. Him and I kept fighting over who buys each other the next beer lol. It was nice of him to offer.
 
Once we got a lil buzz going and the dj started to play good songs, Meghan and I were up dancing the whole rest of the night and never sat down again. Just like how we always did.
 
Her mom is so awesome she dropped us off and picked us up at 2am when it closed. So sweet.
 
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