It’s Complicated

Not sure if this space for this but here goes…I’m a married woman who recently found out my husband of 18 years has been interested in transgender females. By interested, he recently admitted to “receiving head one time”….I’m sure it’s more but he doesn’t want to upset me anymore than he has already.

This all came about after I went through our cell phone bill and I discovered he was making a lot of late night calls. I’ve never been a snooper but after hearing about a friends husband cheating I was on edge and I checked the bill.

When I researched the numbers one belonged to a transgender female. She had a website where she solicited her services for money. I called multiple times but she never answered. Not to mention, a year ago I discovered he’d been emailing someone on Craigslist trying to hook up. I never confirmed who the person was. At the time I assumed it was a woman but now I’m not sure. He deleted all of them before I could confirm. There were multiple emails dating all the way back to 2015 through 2017. This was my first time learning about him cheating on me even though he denied it, and also the reason why I stop trusting him in the first place.

Initially, I told him I wanted a divorce because he’s a liar and a cheater and he likes women with penises. Im not homophobic but I’m not attracted to men that are attracted to transgender females. He denied it for about a week, but when I showed him the screenshot  he admitted to having an encounter and blamed it on his childhood trauma that I never heard about until that day. He said  it wasn’t what he wanted and he only did it because he didn’t want to get caught. I said that’s going above and beyond to sneak behind back.

Today, we are still married. He says he’s still in love with me and he wants to stay married.  He also started going to therapy. It’s difficult to leave because we have a child and life together. Sometimes I sleep on the couch and sometimes in our bed but we don’t sleep together anymore. We’ve had sex once but I can’t unsee that website or un-imagine what he did, so we haven’t had sex since 4th of July. Plus, I think he’s dishonest about his sexuality. I love him and I probably always will but I just don’t think he’s my person anymore…I know we should probably seek marital counseling but I don’t think it will change my mind but this is not my version of happiness. I just want to be happy…