You didn’t deserve it

I’m swimming.

Floating in a sea of words that never escaped.

An honest night with friends reflected on the past.

He never deserved anything else from me.

From the very beginning to the end, I gave.

I was the forever lit porch lamp and the key under the flower pot.

When the rain washed away the chalk paint on the walk, I reminded him of the worth of his art. No matter how far it pushed him from me.

When the summers turned to winter I told him the warmth would embrace him again.

But if I asked for him to promise he’d be back home. He never could. If I asked him to find me if I got lost, he never would. And as winter came and his heart traveled cold and far, I remained. Stagnant and listening to his hum.

And when he hurt because his love didnt work. I let him lie to me. I let him lie to me until his eyes couldn’t. And I loved him and held him and thanked the universe. I loved him and let him have me. I loved him and showed him what I built and hoped he would follow.

And when he found me that time, he only gave me his pain and the pills left over. He only told me about the dress of hers that he found and the way things ended.

He fed me leftovers of a whiskey bottle and spare change time. Drunk calls and reflections of things I missed. But I’m worth more than daydreams and lucidity and the breath of the night before.

Im worth more than a drunk call at 3am because his soul finally spoke.

Buy when he tells me he’s sorry, after all, he’s thirty.. I open my door and turn my light on.

He only comes in to tell me he’s getting married. That he is righting his wrongs.  I’m a smudge he must clean on his conscience. After all, he has to grow up. He pours out a beer and plays a few strings. I dance along as I always did. Because that’s love.  Never faltering and always understanding.

And in true fashion, I make him a cup of tea with my tears and silently weep over the news he’s so happy to share. In true fashion I shed the blanket from my shoulders to cover him in his moment of vulnerability. In true fashion I break enough to show him how I really feel…but in true fashion I let him be free.  Because that’s love.

Now I see that he never deserved any of that. He has been my one fault. The crack in my armor. My Achilles heel. I never asked for much and what he did give, I always took thankfully.

Part of being stronger is always remembering your worth. And I deserved more. He still never figured that out, and I still am