The Absolute Last

I don’t care if you ever come here again. I want to get this out into the universe. A goodbye. A good riddance.

For a long time, you were the standard I held others to in regards to how love should feel. What love should look like. The problem with that, is that what we had mainly went one direction and never flowed back. I gave and you took. I stayed and you ran everywhere you wanted, did everything you dreamed and I was never a part of it. The dream.

You were unhindered in your selfishness…Though you’d spare me tender moments that felt like the ocean roaring in my soul. Just enough to keep me floating onto the next month, hanging on, waiting for a new step. Waiting for commitment of even the smallest amount.

People looked at us for our passion. We were two flames igniting one another when we were near. We shared the deepest conversations that could go on hours into any night.  Perhaps this is part of the standard I held. You had a lot of passion about a lot of things, which made it easy sometimes. But most times, hard.

I always had considered you to at least be a good person. No matter how selfish you were. No matter how many times you gave me an unwarranted cold shoulder. No matter how many times you hurt me. I always forgave you, always let it go, was always, always there for every single message, even the 3am phone calls when you were losing control. I was there when you lost the love after me. You only came to me because you were alone.

You used me to heal your soul. To help you come back a little. You were still drinking too much and talking about her, and to her, and sprinkling little bits of her in our conversations. I had grown enough self worth to know when enough is enough. I couldn’t be hurting and watching you latch on to the past while using me to patch your wounds. You kept saying how you were intimidated by me, since I was established and grown and put together. You used this as an excuse instead of treating me fairly and being honest.

Sure, you apologized. But you never understood apologies. And of course, I was never mad. I always still reached out. Still answered anything you’d ever send. Always present. Always a friend at the very least.

You couldn’t even treat me right as a friend. I could never reach out if I needed you, as you always could with me. You’d completely ignore me, without reason.  I would try multiple times before just quitting and having to step back again, reminding myself of my worth. Reminding myself that I did better after I left you, that you only ever used me.

Months go by and you “need to make amends”. Like turning 30 flips a switch that means you need to be a decent human being. But the thing is..it wasn’t an apology at all. It wasnt making amends. And of course I was there the second you sent the first word. You disguised your need to show off your poor decision making, with an apology. In the moment I thought it genuine, though looking back, I see what it really was. I was one person on a long list of people you wanted to share your news with. It had nothing to do with making amends.

You needed to tell me that you’re getting married and moving out of the country. A very John decision. “Oh shit..my life isn’t what I want it to be…Quick..better do something big to feel accomplished “. To someone you hadn’t been with anywhere near the amount of time you spent with Paige or myself. But you had to make sure to tell me this. The conversation had nothing to do with making things right with me, but everything to do with shoving your life in my face. Seeing as I no longer access your social media.

And the thing is, in that moment, while it did hurt..I was still good to you. I was STILL a friend.

I dont care about the decisions you make, or where your life goes any more. Our relationship was always about you.  It was always about what you needed from me, whether it was love, an open ear, kindness, confidence, or forgiveness.  You reached out when you were broken but could not be there when I was.

If I were kind, I’d wish you luck. But I dont even feel that for you anymore.