Shallow

 Still,
I find that I am a wolf,
lone.
I’m not what I used to be,
who I used to be,
contact used to be important to me,
now I go on,
maybe I’m stronger,
but I have other fears that solve that riddle.

Maybe it doesn’t mean as much to me….

In the moment of any double take,
or even a small wonder,
I just look and walk the other way.
It may be strength,
but I fear each second I find myself doing the opposite of what I would have.
Maybe all the things I was not loved for are all the things I have changed,
without meaning to.
One, two, maybe three texts a day,
never saying much of anything,
weekend visits and being pretty okay with it,
there are phone conversations here and there,
but I don’t feel the same unrest I would have before.
Maybe it’s security,
but sometimes my thoughts don’t tell me that is what it is.

Sometimes I fall down like this,
especially here lately,
side effects of chemicals in my body,
and lack of eating…
Still feeling so disgusting.
I never had this much of a problem before.
Maybe I transferred my problems to physical,
so I can deal with them more aptly,
because all of the emotional stops I normally would have been crushed by,
seemed like minor tides compared to what they were before.
I always look at myself,
fix myself,
and I guess physical is just where I went this time.

Sometimes I can’t decide if I’m happy,
sometimes I feel incredibly happy.
It’s been weeks since old thoughts have even crossed my mind,
though they are right now, very faintly.
I keep seeing that day I ran through the woods in the rain and retched.
Feeling the despair that I hadn’t until that point.
Sometimes you miss a best friend,
sometimes you miss someone that knew you so well,
sometimes…..fuck…these are not things that I need to allow into my life.

Maybe I’m just feeling weak today,
I feel gross,
I feel tired,
I feel hungry,
but everything has been going so well for me.
I’m just down tonight,
with no real reason why.
This wasnt even what I came here to say.

Sometimes,
nevermind.

This has all become to typical and annoying.
Am I so shallow now?