Running to break even

 I can’t remember the thoughts that filled my head before this feeling came,
but I knew they were good,
they were strong,
willful.

It started with a run,
felt ashamed because it’s been two days since the last,
and it was just about to rain.
I chose a different path,
finding that it was better to take a different route,
you end up losing all the mental blocks of where your body used to stop,
you lose all those conditioned pauses,
and push past it.
When you can’t see how far you’ve gone,
or where the end lies,
you just go for it,
It’s funny, because in anything else in life, the first thing I think about is the end.
Beginnings are easy.

I began thinking
"Damn, I run better when I actually eat"
Either that or constant hydration,
when you barely eat, you drink a lot of fluids,
and I’ve been loaded down with pure juices and water.

I felt tough,
I know what I want,
and I knew I wouldn’t settle for less than perfection,
there I was, running,
not even pushing myself,
just going,
and then I happened upon a song,
or it happened upon me,
and instead of pausing to skip,
or change it at all.
It sunk in,
with the first chord,
and struck right through me.
Immediately,
the first line was all I used to ever think.
And then I felt choked up,
couldn’t breathe right,
felt my heart in my throat.
I tried swallowing it down,
pushing through the pain…
It’s the only time I ever feel any of those feelings,
when I run,
when my body is already worn from the distance,
and the heat,
and the force put against it…
And before tears came,
I was vomiting,
all over the worn dirt..

Right then all I could think about was the rain,
was how far pain had pushed me,
how I would still be stagnant and the same if I were where I used to be.
I wanted the storm to come,
to wash over me,
to chill me,
and I didn’t want to run to anyone,
or home,
or anywhere else,
but to just sit…
And then it came,
and I swore I could see every drop as they fell,
I thought maybe it was exhaustion,
maybe I was dizzy,
maybe I couldn’t handle it all.

I’ve always been true to how I feel,
about everything,
I realized sitting there, in the rain,
cars passing slowly by,
that I care too much about what others think.
They don’t know me,
but my friends do,
and I want to be strong.
I am strong.
In more ways than one.
I’ll never settle for anything less than happy,
doesn’t matter how many pretty faces follow,
or how many mistakes I make,
I can’t stop.

I’ve been marking all these life goals off my list,
scuba license,
motorcycle license next,
roller derby,
having stronger arms,
and a better body.
Because when we’re hurting.
we go everywhere but stay in the same spot,
we run it off.
When we lose something than meant a lot,
we look everywhere else in the world,
look everywhere inside of ourselves,
reach deep to figure it all out,
to paint over that spot of loss,
and hope to fill it with a masterpiece,
intelligence,
and a brighter mind.

I almost let myself buckle down into something so fast.
Next thing I know I’m walking through the woods,
sweat, tears, raindrops pouring over my face,
and I can’t tell which is which.
I just know I taste salt,
I feel light chested,
and I know what I won’t subject myself to ever again.

Now I’m chilled,
still sticky,
I feel sick, but full of energy,
I feel strong,
but a little lost,
I feel hurt,
but liberated all the same.

I realized how okay I am with just being beside myself,
by myself,
with myself.
I’ve got people in all corners,
of my social life,
and my mind.
And I’ve got someone to spill it all to,
close enough, but still at a distance.

Now I’ve taken the path of being skeptical,
I don’t need anything less than exactly what I set out to get.
No matter how many good qualities ensue,
It has to be what I have set out for.
And I won’t have anything less.
Because being hurt that much never should have happened in the first place,
being kept on my toes was something I fell for,
but never will again,
I’m done with those games,
they all end the same.
And I’m not giving my heart for anything less, ever again.