Poor reflection.

I keep coming here with lack of words…thinking…It’ll spill eventually.  4 years, and no way to catch this place up.

My eyes are heavy. Lacking sleep. Days have been leaping into the next and toppling over routine. Despite it all, there is a renewed sense of hope in my heart, and it came at the strangest of times.

I spent four years in stability. Grew until the bounds of my hometown busted at the seams. Quickly learned what I was capable of. Things I would never have known if I stayed.

Moved and found a new kind of heart. One that kept things clean but still irrationally clinged to things bad for it. Built a new life with hands I thought were weak. Found out that determination and motivation are the some of the strongest qualities someone can have. Moved onward, but always checked every mirror to see what I left behind me. To see if that shadow was still there.

I fell in love with a home that was not mine,  and never truly would be. I cried on the couch, not because of an ending, but because I had to leave a place I buried my roots.

I embraced my loneliness. Stretched my fingers out with paper and words and strings. Planted things . Seeds of friendship and long nights of drinking. Longed for the past and when the time came, finally tasted that.

Took time with a familiar soul. One I thought I’d never find again. Let myself spiral into lacking plans, last minutes, losing memories to drunken nights… and warmth. Slowly, I realized that I didn’t want to share the life I built with someone who wouldn’t do the same for themself. I woke realizing that last minute is not for me, that I was too often drunk, that being the motivation for someone’s plans, but not something they can make plans with, was not what I wanted.

I guess there’s a moment in your life where you realize just how much you’ve grown.  And that was it for me.

With a renewed sense of worth and knowing what I wanted, I kept my head down and began driving toward the one thing I can build and control on my own. Home. I knew what I needed , and I didn’t care whether it came or not. For once, everything I did was all of the things I wanted to do, without inhibition.

There are things that happen when you aren’t looking. One day, you’ll really see something for the first time. You’ll be caught off guard because you’ve spent so much time going from extremes. Riding out shockwaves and chasing the past.