Pixie Dust

Why am I like this?

Maybe it is totally normal to reflect upon the same paragraph in life that you could not let go of.

Maybe it’s normal to dream these things. Where he touches your face with both hands and embraces you before leaving, sadly.

Maybe I’ll be stuck with these memories in the wake of every ending, forever.

I guess if so….that’s payment for anything I must have done wrong.

I’ve been awake so many mornings. Hearing the birds, but missing those church bells. The air still smells like him. Guess I haven’t smelled this since we last spoke, honestly. Guess I never noticed. 

I’m not sure it’s even about him. Its about the art. It’s about the love. It’s about the ocean of feeling and endless inspiration. It’s being around someone who makes you smile every single time your eyes meet theirs. It’s hard to forget the way my body changed and my heart raced as soon as I would see him. 

I’m not sure that will ever exist again. Seven years later and I have yet to find that again.  I think that notion is one I keep coming back to. It keeps me longing for what’s in the past. He represents all of these things I once had, that as I grow older, I begin to believe I can never have again. So I become invested in the thought that it was something about him that made us what we were.  

To feel so uninhibited and endless again. To have such a confidence in what I had, my feelings, the things I wanted. 

Maybe I’ve grown too independent and cynical. Too hard working to split up my idea of comfort and happiness. I’m smarter and I know what I want, so I don’t settle, and the blissful ignorance is gone. 

Was it blissful ignorance that made what we were? 

I  guess so, because when we found our last chance, I could only see the things in him that still would never choose me in the end. That was blissful ignorance lost. 

I want to reconnect with a lighter version of myself. I’m just not sure how to