Old words I didn’t need

 I’m not sure why I did..
but I did..
I read through the end. 
What there was of it. 
What I had left. 
Half a year. 
I can’t tell if it feels much longer..
Or shorter. 
I think emotionally and mentally they feel each differently. 

I realized the people I surround myself with are those that pour their emotional strains out like day old coffee. 
I find it easy to be in their company. All they do is talk, and everything they say seem like such small things. Yet I understand them. I’ve sounded like them…just never so desperate to spill my naive woes and have them heard. 
I realize how much more wise I have become. 
Strong in that I know what I don’t deserve and that I won’t compromise that any more. 

Looking back on the last few, cold, conversations. 
I remember how I felt. 
Desperate. Reaching and trying to resuscitate any bit of love left in him. 
It just wasn’t there any more. 
So I would have settled for his chill…I would have put myself aside and let myself hurt for him..to keep him until his sun was out again. 
I can’t even look back and respect who I was then. 
I lacked confidence in my worth..I lacked self value…
I understand that loving someone can make it hard to let go, to be strong enough to walk when you see it isn’t going where you deserve…
But now, I also understand..that love is not a static thing. It isn’t meant to be unchanging..It isn’t ever-powerful, it isn’t meant for just one person..It isn’t invincible. 
I understand that what is right now, rather, in any present moment, is the only thing we can rely on. And happiness cannot be held up by the past. 
I used to chase him in circles. Waiting for the cycles to pass. 
Because while I loved him with each turn, he could not. 

My understanding of what I deserve and the weaknesses I have shown in the past, have changed me. 
I look back at the way I conducted myself. 
The things I’d hold back. 
I can’t respect that. 
And I could never let myself do that again. 

Maybe this was what I was supposed to learn. 
It just took me three years to learn it. 
And air learned it too late and managed to fall to the tails side   

Lately all I do is reflect. 
Make plans with myself and never follow through. 
Keep to myself. At home. With thoughts and dreams. 
It has been peaceful. Maybe too much. 
Still I feel restless. 
Satisfyingly unmotivated. If there is such a thing.