Justifying
I think I finally found the thought I needed to make it okay.
I accepted a certain extent of the things I had learned would never fade, but never had to face them in the flesh. So I spoke of the things I meant…the things I felt…only briefly..but enough to hear what I needed.
A part of it burns..knowing for me..he was the counter, the other end of my soul, the mirror…Opposite of me, but still me…in another skin..with another soul..matched to mine in a way I know I’ll never be able to make happen.
And that’s where it was all along. Nothing I ever do can make that happen. So the standard is set in stone..by soul..So I’m left to count on other things..Habits, rituals, likes, kindness, intelligence..things that matter, but don’t make up a soul.
That can be enough…I can learn the other parts…I hope he found in someone else, what I found in him.
One of us should have that.
A part of it hurts to know I never was that for him…because I believed it for so long…Over the past year I never thought of it…But here I am…grown up…stable.. ready to fall back into something new…So I had to greet this dilemma.
A part of me …the largest part…said it wasn’t fair. Someone being so into me yet, I know no matter what that my soul is not theirs…that theirs does not complete mine..That that…thing…that magnetism….would never be made.
But I know now…its okay..
It has to be okay….
Otherwise nothing can be…
All the pictures of houses with black doors.
The rain in the middle.of the street.
Two yellow lines he chased forever.
Just the sound of my heart beating.
Times tremble back to me.
In shades of all colors fond…
Too bold to be forgotten..
Or to extinguish the feelings that come along.
I counted the seconds when I never should have.
Ahead of myself with doubt and trivial things.
The best thing I have now is me..
And my two new eyes..
My brighter mind..
And my determined smile.
The person I am now is what he deserved then.
But we all must grown.
Learn…break..fall.
All of my best times are the result of coming back from terrible breaks.
I’m indestructible on my own…
I am invincible on my own.
With myself…I am invincible…
By myself…I am free.
It was just him that made my soul feel at home.
I had that part wrong all along