Honesty

Alright.

This time I finish this

I’ve opened page upon page. I’ve started and have put the words behind me. Afraid. Terrified.

So. Here I sit. At a bar that was home in 2017, with a drunk guy who just sat down and is trying to talk to me. There’s a reason I’m here, but I won’t tell anyone, and no one knows.

I’m eavesdropping on two couples carrying conversation on a Thursday night at nearly 12. I’m a hopeless and lost mess and I could nearly cry. I’m not sad. Just frustrated.

I forgot that they don’t sell Bud light on draft. It has been that long since I’ve frequented. Maybe I lost part of myself here some time ago. I think my happiest times were the times I have been free, and I think I’m realizing this now.

As I’ve grown older, I’ve made my body and mind stronger. I accept less bullshit. I know what I need. I refuse to take less. Some people refuse to take your worth as seriously as you do. Eventually, they will take it for granted one time too many and everything will change. It won’t even be a conscious decision.

I don’t want to be free. But I don’t care to be alongside anyone. Mostly, I don’t want to cause pain despite the fact that my feelings and worth were not taken seriously.

Maybe I’m too independent. I think my life experiences have lead me to be how I am now. Unaccepting of anything less than exactly what I feel like I want and deserve.  I feel like this may lead to me being alone for a long time, but I’m really ok with it. I think I had begun to accept that possibility months ago. I started down this road back in October or before. I was just waiting to see if he could be different. If he could gain some emotional intelligence. If he could stop spending his anger on me and saying shit that he doesn’t mean. Stop being passive aggressively shitty.

So here I am. Maybe hoping for a new chapter but I’m not depending on it. I’m who I think I’ve always wanted to be. Maybe I thought I’d find some clarity, but beer doesn’t help that. Maybe I’ll continue to float along and just be in this, because I am such an empathetic person that I can’t stand to hurt anyone. I’ve just begun to really appreciate the time I spend alone, and really enjoy making myself better in so many ways. Being with someone takes time, and maybe the telltale sign of something being right is when you are so happy being with yourself and so excited to better yourself and spend time on yourself, that when you want to take time away from that to be with someone, that you know it’s right.

As of now…I’d rather be spending my time alone. Working on art, going to the gym, studying derby, making connections, strengthening friendships, seeing my family more.

Im so confused and my situation feels so draining. I feel like I’m spiraling out. I’m holding on but I don’t really want to. It’s so hard to continue to try when your heart doesn’t want it. I just care too much. This isn’t what I wanted. A year ago, I imagined to myself that we could get married. I’ve realized that wasn’t out of love, but it was out of knowing that if I stuck with it, I could have that. When John told me he was getting married, I realized that I didn’t want that with zac. That staying with him meant never finding my next soulmate (if there is one). I realized how he actually never really heard me, he took everything I gave and never thought twice about how much it took to give that. His life was easy and we felt convenient. I thought I wanted someone else with a life like mine, but I don’t. I just want someone whose soul will dance with mine. None of this matters. How stable I thought he was, or how easy it could be, how effortless it is to fit our lives in place. None of that matters. Just soul. Soul matters