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His sleepy voice in the middle of the night broke to say “you’re wonderful”, as he inhaled deeply into the back of my neck.

It’s always so hard to sleep, but it’s getting easier. The worry over which morning will be the last, is fading.

I’ve never been more content watching someone else sleep. Never been happier to listen to someone else’s breathing as they fall deeper into slumber.

He wakes early. He’s gentle and warm. He didn’t hurry. It felt like he belonged, like we belonged. His hound dog eyes lit with a smile as he slowly rises to make coffee. They’re the most emotional eyes I’ve ever seen. Brown and deep and large.

We took the morning slowly. Letting the grey winter sun in through the front window. He checks in when he sees my face change over the smallest things. “Are you ok?” Like he’s always afraid of something. I could have done better in the beginning about sharing my concerns.

It took a while to figure it out. I knew before things started between us that I was going to really like him. I dug a moat and filled it with my fears. Cut ties to every bridge. Sent him letters from a distant version of myself. Whenever he showed kindness, I resisted. When he attempted to give me affection, I turned cold. When my heart swelled with concern, and he felt it, I denied it. While a part of my soul reached for him, the rest of me did everything I could to keep him outside.

Perhaps I didn’t think I deserved that level of kindness and care. I’ve always refused it from everyone else. He is insistent upon it though. Which made me push back harder.

It took some distance to realize what I had done. We both created a space filled with fear. A place to tuck away all of the most vulnerable parts of ourselves.

I had a moment where I found myself completely disconnected and lifeless. Where waking was hard. Moving was hard. Thinking was hard. I could not care for myself. A place I haven’t known in nearly a decade.

When he offered to be there, I wanted him to be, but that fear creature crept up and whispered into my ear. Maybe because I felt I had nothing to lose, I tucked fear away, and let him in. It wasn’t easy. It felt like dropping every defense I have and opening the gates to what could have been an ambush.

But there he was. His eyes swimming with genuine concern. I never had anyone hold me so tightly in my life. He is a golden, cloud-like warmth that engulfs every inch of my sadness.

It was in those moments that I realized that the only thing standing between myself and happiness, was fear.

So I poured over him. Like the first rain that signals spring. I gave him every feeling I had hidden. I washed over him. Caressing his face, running through his hair. I kept on until I had nothing left to give. No fear left tucked away.

That was all it took. Wrapping him up in my warmth. Letting him see the most vulnerable version of me.

We fell into each other. Holding hands as we continued to step into vulnerability and holding a knife to the neck of fear. Each lending a soft heart and caring ears to one another. Being patient, being open, being understanding and showing our cards.

I haven’t felt this sure of something in a long time. Our eyes meet and they don’t stray. I feel his heartbeat within me as of it were my own.

I was so afraid this could never exist for me again. But here I am.