Endings are what I’m good at

It isn’t fair,
but what ever is?
One second you can write about sunshine..
but flash floods exist.

My jaw aches,
I let the tears stream for barely any part of any day,
when I do cry, it’s not much,
I’ve been hurt so much this year,
I just don’t have it in me to cry any more.
not that it doesn’t hurt,
it does.

I’ll see flashes of things,
it’s always the same,
that night keeps bleeding through,
the scenes and all the cold shoulders on me,
all the mean faces,
lies.
I never said one dishonest thing,
somehow the only one speaking truth,
is the one with the door slammed in their face.

I sat on the steps with nowhere to go,
it’s 2am and my house is locked up,
I’m drunk,
and I can’t go home like that,
tears swelling my eyes,
even the last person I would have thought,
was against me,
her voice came through the door crack,
they even had it chained like I was some monster,
I’ve never been treated so terribly in my life.

Broke my shoes,
walked home.
Bruised legs from a fall,
he shoved me,
said I overplayed it,
but my bag weighed me down,
pulling me to the ground,
everyone was against me,
everything I said was a lie to them.
every action,
even falling,
none of it was.
Not a single thing.

So I go home,
3-4am…
find a place to sleep,
to cry for a while.
in the morning nothing was different,
walked to his place where my car was parked.
For a few hours I could dream it off,
but waking said it was all real,
I could feel it on my chest,
the empty weight.

I’m tired of feeling so sad,
so hurt,
and I work for my happiness,
no one ever stays.
I always say they’ll tire of me,
and they do,
despite their arguments.
I can wish a million things,
but I have before,
people that care will stay,
but no one does,
despite how hard I try,
how much I give,
I should stop caring at all,
but it comes so natural to me.

He wasn’t even around long,
it’s that I did have something there,
and in a matter of half a year I get shattered twice,
not enough, twice,
people that say I’m this or that,
and all these good things,
they don’t mean it,
and they leave.

I wish something was salvageable,
but that isn’t up to me,
and I can’t chase things any more,
I want to,
but being the one to give and work and fight,
just makes you pathetic at a point,
and the other stops trying altogether.
It all happened so fast,
I still can’t grasp it.
Just the other night he was warming my hands,
and I was falling asleep on his chest.
He was kissing my shoulder,
and my forehead.

I’d like to think it’s not done,
but I don’t think he cared enough to want me back,
or to think twice of what would be missing,
if he feels like anything is missing at all.
But every day apart he would tell me he missed me,
I know those things can disappear easily,
it has happened to me too many times.
I just wish it wasn’t so.

I begin to wonder why anyone would put up with me.
Why my longest relationship went as far as it did.
Why anyone stuck around,
or ever worked it out with me.

I feel so defeated.
I can’t even imagine trying to work for happy again.
he was golden,
I’m going to miss him too.