Ending of a year alone

Found myself in an aisle of whiskey and bourbon.
Still wearing work and 1 hour of sleep.
Pre-meditating a let down.

Glaring down each row of brown, honey, autumn colors.
Keeping my bank account in mind, and the house I’m getting ready to buy.
I shouldn’t, but I will.
I need something to drown in when I come crashing from hopes up high.
This is a learned behavior I did not recognize, and only felt, until now.

Heart racing down hours.
Spent more than I should.
I’ve got an escape waiting in case.
Something to fall back on should there be no follow through.

It isn’t his fault.
He didn’t make me like this.

Already thinking of ways to run away,
it’s not healthy to be in this space.
I give someone my feelings and expect them to burn them in the night.
Watch the ashes and embers float away.

I’ve always built foundations that crumble.
walls that burn with lightning strikes.
A roof that can’t weather the storm.
Open doors to keep me vulnerable, but let those in need, in.
And a light to stay on, letting them know I’m always here.

I lose myself in needed sleep.
Wake with heavy limbs and heart.
Eyelids fighting the rise.
Thoughts on how drunk I’ll get if I start now.
And then..there he is.
Again, I’ve got a guilt stricken heart.
This is the second time I put myself here.

He drives us away.
Hand in my lap.
Our best talks are on the road..
He’s casual, and smart, and genuine.
Shamelessly introduces me to his friends.
A far cry from mine.
They all wear Nike and watch college basketball.
He’s no different around them.
Stands close to me, brushing my arms with his fingertips.
Chest keeping me warm.
He didn’t leave me to stand alone, or feel alone, or out of place.

We stay sober,
that’s unlike me.
We laugh and he teaches me things.
I don’t feel like I need to be any different.
And he isn’t.

This past year I’ve grown.

I’ve spent a year alone..
Watered the flowers, fed my soul
I’ve ached, and and longed, and let go of the past.
Cried on the couch over missing my first home away from home.
Shared my vulnerability, let others make me vulnerable.
Learned when to say no, and learned how to.
Discovered what I need, what makes me happy, and what I’m worth.
That it’s okay to leave the past behind.
That the future is bright when you build it yourself,
and that being by yourself, is ok.
Leaving the curtains open lets more light in,
and people seeing in through your windows is only scary if you have something to hide.
Time doesn’t matter, and doesn’t limit you, that’s a story we’ve grown to believe.
Sometimes lessons come late, and it’s ok to fail those tests.
I’ve made friends, and lost some, and bonded with those I would never expect.
Learned to more deeply value gentle qualities.
Finally closed a chapter on a love I never could write the ending for.
Got too drunk, broke things, made bad decisions, and I know I don’t have to take that so seriously.
I no longer let myself feel uncomfortable for someone else’s sake.
And have learned it’s better to hurt someone’s feelings than quietly suffer under them.
I learned how to cook for one, and that accomplishment is an addiction.
I reached for things I never would have, let determination drive me, and grew strong.
I finally see who I am, I am conditioned to certain responses, and I know what those are…
and where they came from.
For once, I feel that I can trust myself to exit any situation that wasn’t right for me.

Approaching that year, I felt sick..
Now I’m leaving, with tears in my eyes and smile in my heart.
Ready to bid farewell, and embrace everything I’ve gained.