Eclipse

I took a shower today.
It felt like the hardest thing I’ve done in a long time.
Walked into the bathroom multiple times, finding it consistently and increasingly overwhelming.
Picked my brain apart, wondering why.
What was the feeling?
Was I afraid to reckon with my own body?
Afraid to see all the places he may never touch again.
Afraid to wash away the traces of him still left on my skin, in my hair?

So I turned off the lights, just the dim glow of candles.
I ran the water. Heartbeat jumping out of my chest.
I stared into the stream, feeling my body tense, tears flooding my eyes.
As I stepped in, it felt like a panic had overtaken me.
Tears just rapidly escaping.

I could not make sense of it.
I had never felt so small and powerless in my life.

Last night I had this dream.
I had gone to get my laundry from the dryer, but I just kept pulling out his clothes.
Over and over, pulling out his shirts,
One by one
Feeling a small bit of hope, along with mountains of despair.
Victorious in keeping a small part of him with me, that he may some day return for
If he never returns for me.

After he left, I did find one shirt in my laundry.
And one other thing,
It’s both haunting, and helpful.

Something inside me felt the permission to release
Like a long awaited decision had been made.
A part of me felt peace, knowing, and understanding.
While another was still trying to bargain and plead.
Noting how pathetic and shallow I was making myself.
An older, wiser me attempting to embolden the part of me that is all heart.

I felt a knowing from deep within me.
I knew it had to happen.
It didn’t feel like an ending.
Even as it was, it still felt like a necessary ending to embrace something bigger
A new and brighter beginning.
Maybe I am just trying to comfort myself.

But I just do not believe it’s the end.
I hope he finds a way through his darkness.
I know that he will feel lonely, and full of guilt.
He may need to bottom out before he picks himself up.
But I hope he doesn’t.
He has a strength that is cut for survival.
He hasn’t realized that it’s always there,
not just when he is forced to survive.

He has the kindest heart which lends itself to everyone else.
Which is why he found me.
I could give, and pour all of my love out for him,
while he continued to hate himself.
I did not need for him to lend himself out to me.
I didn’t ask for him to sacrifice himself.
I loved him unconditionally, fiercely, without pause.
I have never loved someone so softly as I have, him.
My understanding and empathy knew no bounds.

I’ve been trying to rewrite that day in my brain.
I can’t relive the scenes over and over like I have been.
His face.
The way he hugged me.
How he said he loved me before he turned.
I didn’t even say it back.
The way he walked back from his car before leaving.
Almost like a part of him didn’t want to.
His tired, tired eyes, and wasting frame.

I wish he would find light.
Find the strength to ask for help.
Find some hope.
Some belief that things can and will be better.
I hope he can dream, soon, of better days.
And believe them to be true.
I truly only want healing for him. I’ve never loved so selflessly.