Defeat

 In days I’ll be on the coast,
it seems shorelines always follow after these things,
maybe I’ll feel free,
but I don’t think I can any more.

Back to dry and dull,
but trying,
I keep my head as high as I can,
I’m getting so worn to these aches,
I can hardly feel them, 
I move so fast, some may say,
I just don’t like wasting my time,
or giving myself the time to think about things,
or really feel the hurt.

The bounce back won’t come,
I want nothing,
nothing,
more than ever.
Before I could be open to new arms,
anything,
but now, I can’t think of it,
I’m tired,
I just want to go back.

Nothing stays golden.

And there was a boy that I kissed.
I don’t remember,
but he told me so,
and I believe him.
I hardly know him in the flesh,
He was just someone on one side before I had begun to fall into someone else’s arms.
Before someone else told me they loved me.
He was drunk and I never answered him back,
though after that night he said it still.
He never loved me,
I knew that,
I don’t know what he did,
but it wasn’t love.
He’s so far now, it feels,
I keep slipping to thoughts of wanting that back.

So without a second of slipping time,
I figured maybe a comfort would be nice,
Am I so weak that I need that?
That I look for someone to like me so I don’t feel so craven?
So used, and full of nothing.

Everyone stared at him,
every guy under his height,
every chest small and slight in comparison.
I never cared for muscle,
but every girl would giggle when he walked away.
Smiling and saying something complimentary.
I don’t want him,
what was I doing?
But I kissed him,
drunkenly,
apparently followed by "I don’t even know you"
He’s not golden,
his eyes are dark and deep, brown near black,
nothing about him is golden.
He’s larger, firm, he’s not what I wanted.
But he took care of me,
maybe I was trying to forget it all.
That night that keeps coming back to me,
the ending.

So when the haze began to lift on the morrow,
and the night crawled into my room,
I had the nerve just to make it happen,
I have learned patience,
I have learned to rid myself of overbearing emotions,
I have learned to seem numb to things that destroy me.
So we talk,
and his voice is friendly enough.
Cordial, and he thanked me.
He never apologized.
My voice cracked at times,
he begged me not to do that.
I wanted to break,
to tell him how it hurt me,
how horrid I felt,
but I didn’t.
I can’t keep letting people know they hurt me,
letting them know they meant something more to me,
though he said I did, to him.
That’s shit.

I feel like such a fool.
I miss the bed,
and even the smell of him smoking.
Such a disgusting thing,
but I miss it.
I miss the noises he’d make in his sleep,
even though they’d always wake me.
I miss his lips, and his chin,
and his facial hair.
His cunning, and sometimes sly, smile.
And the way he’d look at me when he opened the door to me.
His chest in a v-neck.

None of it matters now.
I need not think of such things.
I do these things to myself.
No one will ever want me for long,
and I have only ever been with one person to understand me.
I miss that sometimes too.

So I will go,
and chase nothing,
and do nothing,
or try.
Time does many things,
I’ve learned that.
Time, and patience, and room to breathe.
I was never good with them before.
Now, they come so natural to me,
like an apathy.

So I will be heading to shorelines,
accompanied by someone new,
someone I do not want,
or long for,
in any way.
And it’ll be weird, and awkward,
with such new company,
leaving with me,
out of state,
where he was supposed to be coming with me.
the golden one.
Instead,
I’ve got the broad one,
who does not smell as nice,
nor fit me so easily.
But my friends invited him along,
I’ll make the best of everything.
And hope that something works for me,
something makes me happy again.