Brave New Chapter
Long time, no see.
Hard to know where to begin. I keep letting my thoughts linger to this place. I feel a sense of heartache – like confiding in a long lost friend. Something distant and lost to time, but never forgotten. Still near and dear.
I’m entering a new chapter that is so far from the life I’ve lived for the past 10 years.
10…that number keeps popping up. Feels like clockwork. Feels like destiny.
To be 33. A number I chose to re-enter derby with after our time away during covid. The age I was when I left the league I had started the whole derby journey with. Ten years of dedication.
To be 33. The age I knew would bring great change. Moving from a state I’ve known to be my home for the past ten years back to my home state.
It’s almost all too much to bear at once..
The loss of my father after he finally recovered from addiction for the first time in my life. The loss of my grandmother who I didn’t really know until my 30s – who became my best friend in her last year of her life. The challenge of choosing a partner with a child and becoming a step parent and taking on the role so seamlessly despite how terrifying it is. Finally getting engaged and truly knowing I’ve found what I’ve always deserved. Buying our dream home in the woods..
I am on the precipice of a whole different way of life. Which is both paralyzing and exciting.
I was not ready for derby to end. Especially not how it did. To lose a passion that drove me for a decade. That changed who I was. That I dedicated more time to than my family and everything else. For it to end the way it did will forever be a scar on the experience as a whole. Tainting what was the best thing in my life. All of those memories will forever be overshadowed by what happened to end it all. And that really sucks, and I don’t process that enough.
I can’t help but think, though, that it had to be this way. Because had I still been with my team, I would never have made this move. I would not have allowed a move that would take me so far away from my team.
It still hurts. But I know life has something better in store. I just wish the cost hadn’t felt so high and been so painful. Truly traumatic.
I’ve never been a fan of change. I’ve sought stability the majority of my life. I’ve created it for myself. I spent a lot of time figuring it out. Doing everything on my own to ensure that I had a very stable life. I’ve always sought stability in partners but could never find it until I grew enough to love myself more than I loved the idea of having a best friend forever. I like rhythm, harmony, consistency.
I’m always trying to stay open to the lessons life throws at me. And this is one of change. I know that my call is to release control- to embrace change and the unknown. A little mushroom told me that on a beach a couple years ago – and I’ve taken the lesson in small doses ever since. It has been a lesson that has allowed for a lot of transformation despite its discomfort.
A lot of beauty comes from discomfort though. So much to learn from struggle. I think that must be why I seek out such difficult ventures. Why I like suffering in the mountains, in the rain, trekking for days and miles. Why I used to love pushing myself on skates while highly physically exerting myself and using my body as a full contact weapon. It’s a struggle – it isn’t easy – there is triumph at the end of it.
Maybe I also seek those things because I have been traumatized. And despite decades of healing – it is a stubborn undercurrent that tells me that transformation is on the other side of pain.
And here is the point where I’d normally stop writing and think about how nonsensical this has all come out. But not this time. This time I’m just going to accept my thoughts as they have come – like I used to. Maybe some day- it will all flow again as it used to.