Being Able to Face the Truth

 Yesterday I woke from a dream, 
Rather, 
A series of pieces of dreams. 
And I only remember one constant. 
It’s been a while since they’ve been so real. 
There it is again…My soul speaking. 

It wasn’t something to set me back…
But just something to place me into reality. 
I felt too in my head. 
A million tiny thoughts I had been neglecting. 
Someone pointed out the time of year. 
Things to be missed. 
I couldn’t tell where thoughts were beginning and ending..
Or how I truly felt about any of it. 
But it is getting cold and colors are crisp…
The smells are so reminiscent of better times where I felt soul filled and things were getting easy just before they would get hard again. 
Because come January the ending would begin..
While it was a predictable cycle it was still subject to outside things..like my lacking confidence…

There were so many things I wanted to voice. 
To get out…
But only one person I really felt I could say any of it to. 
But it wasn’t right. 
And the realization only piled on to the growing list of things I wanted to get out of mind. 

So I did the one thing I knew to do. 
And someone sent me a perfect quote that couldn’t have spoken more for me. 
"Most seem to find roller derby in transitional periods…We destroy our bodies to find our souls and for some reason that males perfect sense". 
And these past fee weeks I had begun to feel real again…when I hadn’t in way too long. 
I started this journey unable to do a lot. 
Derby made me push myself. 
It made me break and hurt and ache and realize things about myself. 
I was in a bad spot. I was not sure of who I was…I was lost…I was hurt…
And I found derby…I needed it…I needed.something to push me. And it helped me focus on the moment..not on the past..the future..just right then. On the track. 
It would wear me out. Make me ache. 
But each aching day I’d feel a little stronger. 
I had to gain respect. 
And I hit a low with an injury…That was the catalyst to everything. 
It’ll tear you down to nothing, to the bare bones..
 And that’s where you find yourself. 
Beneath all the broken bullshit. 
From there I had begun to rebuild. 
Every step made me stronger.. helped me to let go of a lot. 
You have to become.your own strength. 

I had a lot of things to work through. 
I was at a point where I knew I needed to change. 
Because being the same hurt too much. 

Now I’m here. 
And I’ve had to accept a few things recently. 
And I know if I had never started this journey that I would not have handled these things the way I am.