Balancing Act

 A night with friends and too many new faces. 
Change was blinding. 
I crashed early. 
I could hear them talking. 
Nothing is the same. 
I can’t tell if I’m content..or upset. 
Maybe both. 

A few drinks and I never raised my voice. 
Too many people to guide..
To round up. 
Worry about. 
I stopped caring. 
Felt my heart hollow out for a moment. 
I’m not unhappy. But I’m not happy either. 
I’m just alright I suppose
 
I’ve had to greet a lot of painful realizations lately. 
Yet nothing has been getting me down. 
I’m just in the middle and carving my own actions…
out of the finest clay..
with the most intricate designs. 
I’m all self focused and non emotional. 
A good combination to battle the things I’ve had come to light recently. 

A lot going on. 
No matter what, I bank on the heads side. 
Glass full. 
What have you. 
I’ve just gotta keep wearing myself physically. 
Stay focused on progression. 

One of our refs finally came out to tell me he had feelings for me. 
I knew it. I didn’t want to know it. 
His sisters are girls I look up to. 
And I think his parents are great. 
Some say he resembles Dean. 
But I’m just not there. 
No part of my heart or my brain or any of my feelings can even be penetrated. 
My mind is not there. 
For once I know exactly where my head,  my heart, and everything in between lie. 
And for once…I don’t feel restless. I don’t feel painstakingly sad. I don’t feel angry…or resentment. 
I just recognize how I do feel. And I know that’s that..and that is all it is…
For once I feel content to just let everything go how it will. 

A part of me feels an emptiness. 
But each day I strive to fill that with new lessons…new adventures..
 And although they never last..
Day by day can work…
And on the off days..I can handle…
I’ll stay on the ground and in touch. 

I came unto a shocking moment. 
One that woke me in a way that may better me in the end..
But hurt terribly in the moment. 
It wasn’t my place to feel it. 
The feeling of being proud. 
Such a small moment…such an odd thing to strike me. 
But there is was..out of place and not mine to hold..
Proud…
Happy for…
And in that moment could I only find tears. 
Although the feelings were true…I had uncontrollable..unpredictable, conflicting sadness. 
One that said that all along I was only a block. When all I wanted was to be good-for. 
I never wanted to be a block…
That was one of the things I said from the beginning. The very beginning. 
But I guess I was. 

And in all the ways that I have progressed. 
I look and realize that I reached those milestones only because of loss and the way it drove me. 
The survival mindset and how it pushed me to realize things. 
Breaking and loss sometimes break down all the right things to make you self actualize and finally become your own. 
And that’s the key to a lot of things I was missing. 

I hate reflections sometimes.