01/07/2014

 I come to this point, that I have ignored time and time again, where nothing can be justified, and for  a moment I refuse to deny anything. 
In a room full of old friends, its hard not to miss the moments that have passed. And every time you tell a story it feels like home, you’ll all laugh at the things you said…did..Reminiscing and longing for what is gone are different things. 
When you can feel what seems like your heart beating on the other end of the room, knowing full well whose heart yours still sings to…its hard to deny the longing..No matter how wrong it seems. 
It was almost too easy..being in his company…after all the time passed and all the things we did..Bad…good…becoming friends again..There’s something I thought should have been fading the whole time…but never did…Something about being caught by his glance made me feel at home in a way I thought would be forever lost on me…Something I had begun to think I fabricated out of fondness. I can’t explain the feeling…and I cannot blame it for hindering me…Its hard to take a step back when something can still feel that way…When nothing else has…
The amount of strength I have gained becomes apparent. Where once I would have hoped that our ends would come together again..to create a new beginning…I find myself only appreciating what we had…what we still seem to have..But I do not long for it beyond that. 
Its a peculiar thing. One that would only have hurt me before..only serves as a guide for me now. 
When a song reaches my soul I can only sing, feeling as if it were directed at him..no matter what.. Any words I writeout of passion seem to pertain to the things we had. 
I don’t want to feel strung up over it…Something about it just keeps inside me..burning..driving me only in times I feel passionate about anything…
Except one thing. 
Some part of me can’t get over how soul filled I felt just having him near…a part …of me. 
These are the things I need to get out. 
But I don’t understand why. 
I don’t want anything to come of any of it…
I just want to feel the inspired…moved…passionate feelings …the belonging feeling…Harmony…
And not even with him..though..it seems his soul just speaks to mine in a way I cannot fathom or hinder. 
I have all this time and all these things I want to grow into…But the part of me that loved him has never gone away…Whatever little part of my being that absorbed the better things about him, has just stuck with me. 
Maybe I just need to know its not just me. 

At the end of the week I’ll be back to something new…And how can I pretend that i don’t already know that he’ll never move me that way. 
Maybe that’s how its supposed to be. 
Maybe there’s just some balance in something less…and the too passionate things only combust into a million different endings.
Soon the words will come that I won’t know how to deter. And l can’t be honest…I don’t want to lose it…for whatever it is that draws me even just a little.