Love

People dont seem to understand when I say that I dont know how to love because I dont know how to love myself. There was one relationship that lasted on and off for 2 years and i thought that he truly loved me. I stood by his side through alot and always believed in him and I thought we would truly make it.  My world seemed perfect and put together when I was with him. We could sit for hours and just talk about life and I knew this was the guy I wanted to be with forever. Needless to say, he played me. I made a mistake Memorial Day weekend of 2010 and I slept with him. Two days later I get a phone call from a girl who said she has been datin him for over a year. When I called him, she was with him and he took her side. He denied ever having anything with me and said that I was crazy and needed to stop makin things up. I havent heard from him since that day and sometimes I wish I could just get one more call or text. I want closure in my life from him. I feel like everytime my life was piecing back together, he would come back and shatter me again. I’m haunted by the night that I let him win his game. As I thought more about it, I realized that I did have alot of feelings for him, but at the same time I was in love with the feeling of being in love. I’m scared to love again because I cant take that amount of hurt again. I dont trust people anymore until they earn it. I feel like he just saw me as a game but I dont know. When i met him, I was the center of his world. we were always together and he always said that God had sent him the perfect angel in his life to help straighten him out. I feel like things would have gone differently if my parents had not made me break up with him because he got arrested and was always in trouble. But I know that only God knows. But i digress, can a heart truly be whole again? Everyday holds memories of the past and I feel like the past is always haunting me and reminding me of my brokeness. I want to be able to love again but I guess first I need to learn to love myself and to put the past in the past.