i’ve lost everyone i loved.

I cant even deal with this stupid shit anymore. I’m so sick of being hurt, sick of being treated like shit, like im not worth anything, like no one really cares. So once again, Evan and I are on a “break” which isn’t a break. He said that he wants to be on a break and blah blah and that we’ll still talk. I told him that we wouldnt and he said taht he knows that I love him, so I’m still gonna call him. I tried to explain to him that the last time that he wanted to go on a break, I didnt call him one time, and I’m not going to this time either, but all he had to say was that he would call me then. He told me how he still loves me and blah blah, but just not as much as I love him and that I deserve better and whatever, and I dont even know what to think. I hate him, seriously. I’m not going to let him do this to me again, so I’m just not going to talk to him. I have to see him sooner or later because he still has some of my shit and i still have some of his, but after that, I dont want to talk to him anymore. I’m sick of him always taking every situation that happens out on me and whether its his fault or my fault, its always my fault and i always do something to fuck it up. argh. whatever. I’m so fucking depressed right now but I dont even know why. Theres a reason that Evan isnt in my life right now and I dont know why, but theres definitely a reason. Theres a reason for everything. I just dont know what to think because I’m hurting so much. I cried a little bit, but not nearly as much as I thought that I would. I felt like I wanted to cry, like I needed to cry, but I didnt let myself. The past few days, ever since I’ve talked to Timmy, I was trying to think in my head of how I would break up with Evan in a few weeks, well I guess Karmas a bitch right? Whatever. I dont know, all I know is that I’m hurting and I hate this. I deleted his number out of my cell phone, and I deleted all the missed calls, received calls and dialed calls so that I dont have to ever think of him when going through my phone. I put his pillow under my bed, his hoodie & snail in the hallway closet, that I never go into, his drawing in my memory box, the stuffed animals that he got me under my bed & the pictures of him away. I dont awnt to think about him anymore. I dont want to know if hes doing good or if hes doing bad, because I really dont care. Everytime taht he hangs out with his cousin for days in a row, he gets like this. He gets to be too good for me or for anyone else. I’m sick of fucking talking about it too. Its obvious that I’m upset, I hardly talk and I’m so..I dont know, FUcked up or Something, and I know people are going to be like “Whats wrong” blah blah and I dont know what to say. I dont want to get into it. I dont want to think about it. I feel so fucking depressed and I dont understand this. I dont understand why he’s having such a huge impact on me. this really fucking sucks. ;/

On a better note, which I’m sure is just going to turn out bad too, Timmy is going with jess, janelle, kellsey, my mom(yes, my mom) and me to see greenday ;D I’m pretty pumped. I love that kid and I miss seeing him. I dont know what to think about that whole situation and I really dont want to get into it because it just, breaks my heart to begin with, and I’m just so overwhelmed with a lot of shit, mostly evan and school, that I dont think I can handle something else. Ya know, I wish I never would’ve met Evan. I wish I never would’ve cheated on Timmy..even though he cheated on me first..i just still wish that I never would’ve done it. I just wish that I would’ve stayed with Timmy and just let things work their way through, but nope. I’m an asshole. UI@T#!^%@!, i’m pissed & upset and yeah. I think I’m going to cry…