I just can’t drink enough

I had to explain to a friend why I didn’t leave him, when everyone thought I would/should have. Why I am "in a relationship again", and he is posting pictures of "the family", as if everything is fine and dandy, once again. I told him the honest truth, that I feel down in my gut. That no, I don’t think things will ever be as good as they were. That isn’t possible, since what made him so good was not real. But I’m getting too old to keep leaving people. If this were to happen in my early, mid, or even late 20’s, I’d be gone. Off to another city, state, coast..

But I have to try and get past things, at some point. No relationship is perfect. I know in my heart he will try to make us perfect, but I also know that there is no way to undo the hurt I feel. So I’m left to deal with it, somehow. And I’m going to carry on, because my damn biological clock is ticking. And having been through so many years of dating, it’s rough out there. Sure maybe someday I would find someone who likes the same music, who doesn’t eat meat, who likes cats, and who can make my toes curl. Or maybe not. Or maybe I will be 45 by the time that happens.

We aren’t great, but we are good enough. Maybe that is pretty sad, but it’s the honest truth right now.

Our 5k is tomorrow morning, he hasn’t run in weeks. I’m going to stay with him for this race, because the plan was to do it together. But I’m signing up for an 8k, or 10k next, and making no promises that I will stay with him for that one. I want to go through with this, and really do the best I can. Then we are off to go camping in Shenandoah. Everything has been rocky, unstable, unhappy for the most part. But I will say I’m happy that he will do these things with me. Even though he was never a runner, a hiker, or a camper, he is willing to go with me, and for the most part we always have a good time.

For the most part, we will be fine. If we just hang on to what we do have, instead of what we will never get back.