Cheaters

I used to love that show. I watched it with an ex of mine, he would smoke and I would drink. Not the healthiest relationship, but we were 25, and that’s about all we wanted to do. I’m learning that it’s one thing to say you are going to give it a second chance. It’s another thing to actually do it. And he doesn’t want to hear about it anymore. All of these doubts and fears, this sadness. I drink to numb it, to get the words out. But it’s just one thing after another going on in my head.

I think it’s where we were. We hadn’t just met, and we hadn’t been together for 20+ years. It was not a time I would expect him to think about other girls, and to say the things he did to her. To tell her he is not tied down, that he can do whatever he wants. He would find her at work, and leave me if he needed to. Why would a man say these things to a girl, right after talking about wanting to marry someone else??

Is he scared, or just clueless. Either way, there is no doubt he is not ready and we are starting from the beginning. This time with a heart that I thought he had mended from the losers before him. Turns out he hurt it almost as bad as it ever has been. He is trying to make me forget it, and I really don’t think he understands it doesn’t work that way.

I’m not sure how it works. I just know sometimes I feel ok, and I think we will be ok. Then I think about it again, and I’m confused. I don’t know how to make sense of this all and I want to so badly. Yes, he did decide to stay with me and forget about her. I blocked her on his Facebook, told him to delete her number from his phone and he did not hesitate. He is trying, in his clueless way, to make it better.

But he doesn’t get the heart of the problem. The questions I have about why he has other women on his mind, when I assumed I was the only girl he wanted to be with. I don’t think that’s insane, after he is the one who brought the talk of buying a ring. So I was watching Divorce Court today, a show I have never seen and couldn’t believe I took an interest in. With the remote in my hand, I couldn’t bring myself to turn the channel. It made me feel better. There are problems everywhere. Facebook flirting everywhere, but I like the rule she made and I’m sticking to it.

Make all the excuses you want. If you are saying something to somebody else, that you wouldn’t say if your spouse were sitting next to you, then don’t say it. It’s wrong. You should know better.